Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954)
Y-oregon-na regret this
Hello and welcome to the 100th post of our silly little newsletter! This centennial cinematic scene revolves around the 1954 musical Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. So travel back to the Oregon territory in 1850 and strap on your dancing shoes as we try not to overwhelm you with any more numbers.
Previews
What, if anything, did we know about this coming attraction before we watched it?
Ellen: One of the hosts of Love to See It, a Bachelor (and other things) recap podcast we both enjoy, refers to this as her “problematic fave,” because there’s maybe some light kidnapping? Otherwise, I know it’s colorful, musical, and full of plaid, according to Lorelai Gilmore.
Tyler: You see there are seven brothers … and seven brides FOR those brothers … yeah I’ve got nothing.
Plots & Feelings
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Short Version (courtesy of IMDb): When a backwoodsman in 1850s Oregon brings a wife home to his farm, his six brothers decide that they want to get married too.
Long Version (modified from Wikipedia and formatted to fit your screen):
Picture the scene (in stunning Cinemascope™): backwoodsman Adam Pontipee confidently rides into his closest town in the 1850 Oregon Territory, and he is fixed on finding himself a wife. As he proclaims this in Fred Bixby’s general store, the eponymous proprietor and his wife express extreme skepticism. Adam is unbothered and instead strolls through town singing about his desires. He comes across Milly, who’s the beloved cook at the local tavern (simply named “Bar”), chopping wood. Adam proposes, and she pretty immediately accepts any opportunity to get out of her town. Milly finishes her chores while Adam takes a 25¢ bath1, and a befuddled reverend performs the ceremony.
Tyler: Speaking of The Bachelor, Adam and Milly’s … relationship? … makes the Bachelor timeline look downright sluggish! This is a new twist on the old complaint of ours that characters fall in love too quickly to be believable: this time, they’re jumping right to the marriage.
Ellen: Also, part of me appreciates that in Adam’s “I want” song, he explicitly is looking for domestic labor. It’s the beginning and end of his honesty, but hey: it’s there.
Tyler: Specifically, an attractive laborer he could also sleep with.
And they’re off! Milly, an orphan, is ecstatic to have her own home and to care for just one man after the chaos of the tavern… right, Adam?! Er, not quite! Adam has six younger brothers—Benjamin, Caleb, Daniel, Ephraim, Frank, and Gideon2—who are all fighting, dogs are barking, and Milly suddenly understands the volume of unpaid labor she’s expected to take on. She gives it a try with dinner but ends up flipping the table in frustration with these barbarians. To Milly’s credit, she reams out Adam for not wanting a wife, but rather a cook and a washerwoman. This sentiment is somewhat undercut by her declaring her love for Adam in song shortly thereafter.
Tyler: The reveal that he lives with his brothers was teased and then just kinda … happened? Like it wasn't even played for comedy or anything, seems like a missed opportunity. Or maybe it killed in 1954, who knows.
Tyler: Also, while props to Milly for literally rolling up her sleeves and talking some sense into those yahoos by FLIPPING THE TABLE, I was bummed to see her switch her tune up so quickly and declaring her love for him for what is definitely the first time. I was ready for you to unionize, girl!
The next day, our intrepid gal begins operation of Milly’s Charm School for Idiot Men, teaching the boys about hygiene and manners, and rewarding them with a hearty breakfast in exchange. The boys all accompany her into town to replenish supplies, and though they see some cute girls, none of them know what to say and just start punching random men. School kicks into overdrive that night, and the final exam will be the barn raising in one month!
One month later, Milly inspects her recruits and deems them ready to party. She and the boys trundle into town, where immediately a gaggle of girls are attracted to these men who are all “tall as church steeples.” The brothers, in their rainbow of tunics, congenially escort some ladies (Dorcas, Ruth, Martha, Liza, Sarah, and Alice) into the event, much to Adam’s bemusement. The girls’ original dates are not excited about this, and a dance battle turns to barn-building battle that just devolves into a battle battle, ruining the barn in the process. The Pontipees depart in relative disgrace3.
Ellen: A reminder that we’re all in the prison of the patriarchy: the boys weren’t fighting until Adam called them out for not just punching anyone they felt like.
Winter sets in. The brothers pine for their loves back in town. To console them, Adam reads from Milly's copy of Plutarch's Parallel Lives about the Sabine women, whom the ancient Romans kidnapped to be their wives. Adam then claims his brothers should do the same to get their prospective brides. And because they’ve grown up in the backwoods and Adam is a terrible influence, they all think: great idea!
Tyler: Adam being the oldest brother definitely adds to his influence with the brothers.
The Pontipees sneak into town at night and kidnap the gals in a series of visuals that are largely played for laughs but, uh, are not funny. They race back to the homestead with townsfolk hot on their heels, and the boys trigger an avalanche to block the mountain pass, and thus the plot decrees the women have to stay until at least spring. These idiots are so proud of themselves until Milly learns what they’ve done and rebukes them so hard that Adam sulks off to the trapping cabin for the rest of winter. Milly rightly announces that the house is for people, so the women will stay there, and the brothers can sleep in the barn with the other animals.
Ellen: When the kidnapping in this movie was mentioned, I assumed it was Beauty and the Beast-style “oh that’s messed up when you think about it and look at it through a modern lens” kind of thing, but NOPE! It’s a crime story about criminals who sing about kidnapping women and then do it.
As months pass, the women vent their anger by pranking the brothers, but over time… they start to remember why they had crushes in the first place, felonies be damned! Milly reveals that she’s pregnant, and thus the other women pick up the slack of her chores. This brings them in more contact with the brothers, one thing leads to another, and suddenly they’re all fantasizing about being June brides!
Milly gives birth to a girl, with the six brothers all playing the part of “dad pacing in the waiting room.” Gideon, the youngest, goes to tell Adam the good news, but Adam is unmoved. Gideon, for the first time ever, doesn’t back down to his brother and demands he return home. Adam then becomes the latest in a long line of men who cannot experience empathy until a situation applies directly to him (what if someone took my little girl?!), and the Pontipees resolve to bring the girls home. The girls in question are refusing to leave, however, even when their angry families show up!
The families sneak up to the homestead, the girls are hiding, and the boys are trying not to be hanged. The tension is broken by the cry of a baby. Alice’s father, Reverend Elcott, says they don’t have anything to fear, but he needs to know whose baby it is. The girls all immediately answer “mine!”4 The various fathers agree to allow their daughters to marry the brothers in a bulk shotgun wedding. The End!
Ellen: Okay so assume the baby actually belonged to one of the women, let’s say Dorcas because she has the funniest name, but none of them wanted to stay. We’re to presume she’d be forced to marry that brother because she’d been “sullied” or whatever?? Gross! Bad! 🤮!
Intermission
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Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat?
Love a good Wikipedia rabbit hole in search of some fun facts? Us too.
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers’ Wikipedia page has some interesting facts and anecdotes that we recommend you read through, but here are a few of our favorites:
7B47B was based on the short story “The Sobbin’ Women” by Stephen Vincent Benét, a poet/writer/novelist whose first book was published when he was only 17. “The Sobbin’ Women” was, in turn, based on the ancient Roman legend the "Rape of the Sabine Women.”
The film was directed by director and choreographer Stanley Donen, best known for his collaborations with actor/dancer Gene Kelly and for directing the musical classic Singin’ in the Rain. Donen is credited with helping movie musicals transition to a more cinematic form that better incorporated dance within the movie, a term later described as “cine-dance.”
Tyler: It somehow wasn’t nominated for Best Picture when it came out so we can’t give it a proper Honorable Mention, but Singin’ in the Rain is well worth a watch for anyone who hasn’t seen it.
The film’s choreographer was Michael Kidd, who was the first choreographer to win five Tony Awards. Kidd insisted on professional dancers playing as many of the main characters as possible, and developed the concept for the “Lonesome Polecat” number (which was incredibly filmed in only one take).
Ellen: This was my favorite number in the movie because of its unique choreography and stripped-down style. Also, if your thoughts were anything like mine (the boys are lonesome… lonesome polecats… wtf is a polecat?): a polecat is a common name for several mustelid species, kind of like ferrets. Specifically the phrase “lonesome polecat” seems to come from Al Capp, creator of Li’l Abner.
Kidd was mostly successful in getting professional dancers, with two notable exceptions: Jeff Richards (Benjamin) and Russ Tamblyn (Gideon). Despite being a former minor league baseball player, Richards was often relegated to the back of dance numbers, likely to the chagrin of his classically trained ballet dance partner Julie Newmar. (Newmar, who played Dorcas, would later be cast as Catwoman in the Batman TV series.) Tamblyn, best known for his role as Riff in the original West Side Story, used his tumbling and gymnastics skills in his dance numbers.
Ellen: I felt vindicated learning about Tamblyn, because earlier in the movie I called him an out-of-place greaser dude lol.
Other fun facts about the brothers and their brides include:
Howard Keel (Adam) played oil baron Clayton Farlow in the TV series Dallas.
The singing voice of Matt Mattox (Caleb) was dubbed by Bill Lee, who provided singing voices for several Disney movies like Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, One Hundred and One Dalmatians, Mary Poppins, and The Jungle Book.
Meanwhile, the singing voice of Ruta Lee (Ruth) was dubbed by Betty Noyes. Noyes is best known for dubbing two of Debbie Reynolds’ numbers in the aforementioned Singin’ in the Rain, which is funny because Reynolds’ character in the movie is a ghost singer for another actress. Noyes also sang the Oscar nominated song “Baby Mine” from Dumbo but went uncredited.
The dresses worn by the actresses were made from old quilts that costume designer Walter Plunkett found at the Salvation Army.
Ellen: This styling was perfect, loved it, I want one!
Oscar NomNomNomz
Since we all know a movie is nothing without the food and drink it incorporates.
It’s now time to award the Oscar for Best Snacktor in a Supporting Role5. And the nomnomnominees are:
A helping of Milly's stew at Bar
Homemade hot muffins, hotcakes, crisp bacon, steak, fired potatoes, and fresh brewed coffee for breakfast in exchange for bathing
Cow’s milk direct from your barn/bedroom as you think about what you’ve done
And the Oscar goes to … the hot muffins et al in exchange for bathing! Unfortunately, we threw it all away on the ground into the compost bucket because that’s an unfair deal, so we will accept this award on its behalf.
Fill In The Blank
How did we really feel about The Academy nominating this?
Ellen: I’d like to make The Academy a lonesome polecat, if you know what I mean! (Do you? I don’t.) Walk with me a moment: there’s a time when you’re watching a dumb action movie where you have to make a choice to get annoyed by every plot hole and absurd machination to make a stunt work or to simply turn your brain off and enjoy the spectacle. For a C+ musical, it’s the same kind of thing. You can either be baffled and irritated every time someone abruptly switches from speaking to singing (like Tyler), or you can let it sweep you up and have fun (like me). You’re not wrong either way, but the latter makes a movie like this better. I think if I had seen it as a kid who wasn’t really thinking about the plot, the colors and costumes and dance sequences would have taken me on a lovely ride, and perhaps it would also be one of my “problematic faves.” As it is, though I enjoyed the barn raising and “Lonesome Polecat” in particular, there are just better golden age movie musicals to choose from!
Tyler: I’d like to kidnap The Academy against their will and hold them until they agree to give their previous nominations to 7B47B’s choreographer and dancers, who are the only ones involved in this movie deserving of real accolades. 7B47B isn’t as bad as recent absolute-swing-and-a-miss ILTBTA subject The Russians Are Coming the Russians Are Coming, but the fact that I’m comparing this to it even obliquely is not a good sign. As mentioned, the dancing and synchronicity is admittedly quite impressive (particularly the barn-raising scene), but holy Hannah did they all drag on way too long. The dances, the songs, … hell even the avalanche went on longer than it needed to. Between that, the lack of any other standout features (acting, writing, songs, etc.), and the elephant in the room of the brothers straight-up kidnapping their supposed loves and how bad that aged, this was a fine-at-best musical that wasn’t good enough to justify its own existence6, let alone be nominated for Best Picture.
Let The Credits Roll
Thanks for reading! Some quick housekeeping as you exit the theatre:
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Post-Credits Scene
Get a sneak peek at the next ILTBTA installment.
Ships ahoy, landlubbers! Our next post will be the 2003 seafaring epic Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. Starring Russell Crowe at the height of his powers and Paul Bettany, who’s always at the height of his powers according to Ellen, it follows the crew of the H.M.S. Surprise as they hunt down a French vessel off the South American coast during the Napoleonic Wars. M&C: TFSotW (🎶smooth like butter🎶) is available to rent from all the usual salty dogs.
Until then, please: do not get married at first sight!
That’s about ten dollars in today’s wash-ups!
Alphabetical: just like the Bridgertons!
Sounds like my ex-wife!
Results tabulated and certified by the accountants at Ernst & Yum™.
In case anyone is wondering, this was also my complaint for the new Snow White movie.