Good evening ILTBTA travelers, may we have your attention please? Will those of you interested in reading about the 1970 disaster-drama Airport please proceed directly to the Previews section below? I repeat, any ILTBTA travelers interested in reading about the 1970 disaster-drama Airport should report to the Previews section below. Also, will the owner of the silver Nissan Altima please move your car out of the passenger drop-off area? Thank you.
Previews
What, if anything, did we know about this coming attraction before we watched it?
Ellen: I love airports, just not when disasters strike, you know? But I was excited to see a genre that I’m not sure I’ve ever come across in the Spreadsheet, unless you count Titanic. I think this could be a good time, but opinions may shift during flight. Up, up, and away!
Tyler: I know jack diddly squat about this movie, but I’m very intrigued by a “disaster” movie that was nominated for Best Picture. And based on the movie poster above, it seems to be an ensemble cast, which can be fun, but I also feel like I can’t appreciate it as much as if I was around when it came out (or more knowledgeable about older actors and actresses). Oh well, let’s head to the airport!
Plots & Feelings
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Short Version (courtesy of IMDb): A bomber on board an airplane, an airport almost closed by snow, and various personal problems of the people involved.
Keep an eye out for some guest commentary below …
Long Version (modified from Wikipedia and formatted to fit your screen):
There is a massive snowstorm at Chicago’s fictional Lincoln International Airport, and it is Mel Bakersfeld’s job to handle it. The ensemble cast scrolls by as snow blowers and plows do their thing on the tarmac, trying to maintain the bustling thoroughfare. The control tower is doing their best, but they can’t predict a Trans Global Airlines (TGA) plane that takes a turn too tight after landing and gets caught in the snow, completely obstructing runway two-niner1. Mel, as airport manager, has to get to that plane right away with Snow Barbie, aka TGA customer relations agent Tanya Livingston. All this much to the chagrin of Mel’s wife Cindy, because he’ll be missing yet another Very Important Dinner. We’re later treated to a montage of him looking bored as hell during and then arguing after such dinners, so his beleaguered airport seems like more fun tonight anyway.
She's a Snow Princess… and he’s just Mel (Source) Ellen’s sister Rachel: This intro music makes me feel like I should be either suiting up for battle, suiting up to accompany Bond on a mission, or suiting up for a ballroom dance competition. Results are currently inconclusive.
Tyler: Big 70s vibes, for sure.
Rachel: Also, the dinner event/arguments montage is like 500 Days of Summer meets Marriage Story.
Time to call in the big guns: Joe Patroni! He’s an airplane mechanic so prolific that Lincoln Airport doesn’t have emergencies: it has Patronis2. Meanwhile, Tanya informs Mel that his pilot brother-in-law Vernon Demerest showed up and filed a report saying Mel had been grossly negligent with the snow clearance. Turns out, Vernon’s been grossly negligent with his wedding vows, because he’s hooking up with TGA flight attendant Gwen and WHOOPS: she's got a baby onboard! They're both assigned to the TGA flight to Rome tonight, so they've got a while to talk it out I suppose… Among Mel's other problems are people who live under the flight path of the only other large operational runway, who are somewhat lackadaisically protesting3, and the stowaway exploits of the elderly Mrs. Ada Quonsett. She explains to Tanya and Mel over coffee and sandwiches all of her methods for flying without paying, because she’s fairly certain they can’t afford the bad press of prosecuting. She also takes the time to let them know that on her last sojourn with TGA, the steak was overdone and the salad was too garlicky4. She’s escorted back to the terminal for a flight home. Mel and Tanya flirt because of course they do5.
Tyler: I find it strange seeing Dean Martin be kind of a dick. It’s reminiscent of Treasure of the Sierra Madre where I struggled to envision Humphrey Bogart as an outright bad person.
Ellen: But I’m also like, is he just always the worst? Does it only seem like he should be cool?
Tyler: Good point. I guess between his whole Rat Pack image and watching him in the original Ocean’s 11, I’ve only ever seen him be uber suave (which generally has a positive/nice connotation).
That 70s Snow (Source)
Across town, D.O. Guerrero verifies that the TGA flight to Rome is on time and packs up a highly-suspect looking briefcase of pipes and mechanisms. In a basement coffee shop, he tells his wife Inez he needs some extra cash for his “bus to Milwaukee” for a job, and the music cues could not be more ominous6. He proceeds to board a bus… heading to the airport! Inez soon discovers where he’s gone and follows, because she’s Got A Bad Feeling About This™. Mel is at the same time having a fight with a three-piece-suit about the fact that the airport desperately needs upgrades for jumbo jets, more air traffic control, and transportation to and from the airport. Mr. Bigwig is only concerned with the threatened lawsuit from those living in the path of runway 22, however. Across the way, the flight crew prepares for Rome, and Vernon discusses the best countries for Gwen to get an abortion, but she’s not totally sold. Outside, Patroni has got 50 men from other airlines trying to dig out the plane from runway 29, and they manage to move it all of 6 inches before getting stuck again. Patroni demands to do it himself next time, and they’re like “whatever, we’re sleepy, it’s on your head!”
Ada Quonset very easily gets rid of her TGA handler and wanders onto the flight to Rome by telling the gate agent her fictional son forgot his wallet, thinking she can parlay it into a vacation and a trip to NYC to see her children. D.O. also enters the scene, buying $225,000 of travel insurance, raising quite a lot of suspicion as he gets aboard the Rome-bound plane. They sit next to each other, because of the plot. On the ground, Tanya and Mel learn from Inez that D.O. is an out-of-work, mentally unwell demolitions expert who’s fallen on hard times, so hard that he pawned his mother’s wedding ring to pay for the ticket. In the middle of all this, Cindy calls Mel back to say their oldest daughter ran away (she’s fine) and basically divorces him over the phone. Anyway, the ground radios to the plane to inform them of the situation (as well as the presence of Ada, while they’re at it), interrupting Vernon’s conversation with the other pilot about the joy of unplanned babies. They turn the plane back toward Chicago, and Gwen is dispatched to the back to enlist Ada’s help. They all hatch a plan in the cockpit, and as Ada is reseated, they attempt to surreptitiously grab the suitcase. This does NOT work, and Vernon attempts to talk D.O. down and explain that the insurance is canceled, and there’s nothing to gain anymore. They almost have him until a man pops up and is like “eeeeek, a bomb!!” D.O. panics, runs into the bathroom, and DETONATES!!
Ellen: It is here I realized that despite taking notes, I had retained nobody’s name. I referred to D.O. as “Mr. Bomb”, “Mr. Attaché”, and “this man” for like two-thirds of it.
Tyler: RT because I agree. Names meant nothing to me in this movie and I can’t quite put my finger on why. Maybe the different plot lines going on? Also, the lack of a score after the detonation is … quite the choice. Feels like a missed opportunity to add to the tension.
Gwen is blown backward, items are sucked out as the pressure equalizes, and it’s crisis-mode! Oxygen masks drop, and the passengers are shuffled forward, away from the blast area. Every airport east of Chicago can’t take them due to the weather, so back to Lincoln it is! Vernon demands runway 29, because 22 won’t be long enough. Mel is about ready to destroy the stuck plane with snow plows to move, but Patroni insists on saving it and punches the gas (??) well past the operating parameters and successfully frees the craft! The rudders don’t quite work, but Vernon and the other pilot manage to land the partially-destroyed plane. Dazed, shaken, and a little tipsy in the nuns’ case, the passengers deplane. Gwen is wheeled out, and Vernon’s wife arrives just in time to see him squeeze Gwen’s hand and go to the hospital with her. Inez searches in vain for her husband, sobbing that she’s sorry. Mel manages to delegate something for the first time in his life and takes Tanya out for breakfast. We end seeing that Ada has been treated to a first class trip to New York for her services to TGA, though she laments that it was "much more fun the other way.”
Intermission
Even though ILTBTA is free, please indulge us further and enjoy this quick “advertisement.”
This installment of ILTBTA is brought to you by … Trans Global Airlines!
Here at TGA, we know you may have heard about our recent mid-air mishap. But we assure you, when you fly with us, your safety is our number one concern. Much like a popular Italian restaurant, when you fly with us, you’re treated like family. Just not some of our pilots’. Or airport executives’. Ya know what, scratch that, we treat you better than family.
While aboard our luxurious Boeing 707s, you’ll experience an eruption abundance of cheery vibes from our lovely stewardesses. These lovely ladies are ready to shatter exceed your sky-high expectations of customer service until you explode smile with satisfaction.
Give your travel agent promo code ILTBTA for 7.07% off your next in-flight cigarette!
TGA: fly with us and you’ll have a blast relaxing and uneventful time!
Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat?
Love a good Wikipedia rabbit hole in search of some fun facts? Us too.
Airport’s Wikipedia page has some interesting facts and anecdotes that we recommend you read through, but here are a few of our favorites:
Airport is based on the 1968 novel of the same name by Arthur Hailey, who wrote a similarly structured novel called Hotel three years earlier. The Airport novel was not very well received by critics, with Eliot Fremont-Smith of The New York Times writing: “As for the formula, the possibilities seem all but inexhaustible. With 'Hotel' and 'Airport' successfully absorbed, can 'Shopping Center,' 'Parking Lot' and 'City Dump' be far behind?” Despite the lackluster critical reception, it was still the biggest-selling novel of 1968.
As if taking that critic’s words as a personal challenge, Hailey continued writing what Wikipedia describes as “plot-driven storylines … set against the backdrops of various industries.” Other works of his with “ordinary people involved in extraordinary situations in a business or industry which is described in meticulous detail” include the aforementioned Hotel, Wheels (set at a car company), The Moneychangers (a major bank), Overload (an electricity company), Strong Medicine (a pharmaceutical company), The Evening News (a TV station), and Detective (a police station).
Ellen: I’m a little sad he didn’t take the bait with the City Dump idea, because that seems pretty interesting tbh.
Despite being largely filmed at Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport, the weather did not cooperate as the filmmakers intended: it did not snow, so they had to use fake snow made out of bits of plastic.
Much like its source material, Airport fared much better commercially than critically. While it made $128 million at the box office on a $10 million budget, critics’ reviews were … less than kind. Even the film’s star, Burt Lancaster, called it “a piece of junk.”
Ellen: I like to think the Academy pulled a “you’re not my real dad!!” and nominated it for that reason.
This commercial success sparked three Airport sequels: Airport 1975 (confusingly released in 1974), Airport ‘77, and the oddly titled The Concorde … Airport ‘79. George Kennedy, who played mechanic Joe Patroni, is the only actor to appear in all four Airport films. Over the course of the four movies, he’s promoted (?) to VP of Operations to a consultant and finally to an airline pilot.
Oscar NomNomNomz
Since we all know a movie is nothing without the food and drink it incorporates.
It’s now time to award the Oscar for Best Snacktor in a Supporting Role7. And the nomnomnominees are:
A cup of coffee and a sandwich from Mrs. Livingston
Mrs. Quonsett's well done steak and garlicky salad
An air sickness pill
And the Oscar goes to … the air sickness pill! Unfortunately, Ellen took it because she is currently under the weather, so I (Tyler) will accept this award on its behalf.
Fill In The Blank
How did we really feel about The Academy nominating this?
Ellen: I’d like to treat The Academy to some well-done steak and garlicky salad. I think in some ways I let myself be dazzled by the atypical genre of Airport. The acting isn’t much more than fine, but I think there are some fun editing choices with the splitscreens. The interconnected storylines made it a little tough to explain the plot linearly, but I’m always interested to see how they’ll connect. They really left a lot of those big emotional revelations on a cliffhanger though, and while I get that I’m not owed a full explanation or wrap-up, it’s kind of wild that the only resolution is that Ada misses her criminal lifestyle. After reading about how much everyone seemed to hate it though, it makes sense that there was a total dearth of gifs!
Tyler: I’d like to give The Academy a free checked bag and some mixed nuts for their flight. Look, is Airport a stereotypical Oscar movie? Heck no. Is it even a good movie? I would hear arguments for “no” again. Am I grading on a curve because it’s neither a melodramatic adaptation of a play nor three hours long? You betcha. But what it lacks in critical approval, it makes up for in uniqueness, so I applaud The Academy for giving a “disaster” film a shot. It swung big with the multiple storylines and fun editing/transitions, which while it didn’t always hit the mark, I give it kudos for swinging at all.
Let The Credits Roll
Thanks for reading! Some quick housekeeping as you exit the theatre:
If you have plots and feelings of your own (on the movie or ILTBTA in general), feel free to comment on the post or simply reply to the email. If you liked reading this: tell your friends! If you hated reading this: tell your friends how much you hated it by forwarding it to them!
If you’re a weirdo like Tyler and use Twitter, feel free to follow us there @BlankTheAcademy for ILTBTA updates, rejected jokes, and other random movie-related musings. Once we reach a million followers, we’ll offer to purchase the @ILTBTA handle from the butthead who snagged it before us.
If you’d like to start a wild Best Picture journey of your own, feel free to download a copy of The Spreadsheet. Bonus: checking off the boxes is oddly satisfying.
Post-Credits Scene
Get a sneak peek at the next ILTBTA installment.
Our next ILTBTA movie is a three-hour long esteemed period piece from 1931, adapted from a critically acclaimed play that you’ve never heard of with actors that are so talented they aren’t even nice to look at. Just kidding, it’s Babe! Yes THAT Babe, the one with the pig! Look, the world is a tough place and sometimes we need to give ourselves a break and watch a 90-minute G-rated movie about a pig who wants to be a dog. It’s available to rent via most of the usual streaming movie platforms.
Until then, remember to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.
Ellen: “Niner” is used instead of nine because the latter sounds too much like five over questionable audio connections.
Tyler: I didn’t know that!
Rachel: “We give thanks to thee Jesus Christ!” as the plane flies overhead and shatters their china was perfect timing and a great bit.
Ellen: No such thing.
Tyler: But how can you kiss Spike with all that garlic?
Are we particularly judgy about marital infidelity as newlyweds? You bet!
Sounds like my ex-wife!
Results tabulated and certified by the accountants at Ernst & Yum™.
Boy, there was a big, fat run of disaster movies in the 70’s but I had no idea any of them were nominated for best picture. I think that, at the time, the handling of the cross-pollinated plots was fairly groundbreaking. There was also a big run of hijackings and bombs-on-board IRL, so it was ‘ripped from the headlines’!