Alfie (1966)
If you’re a bird, I’m a turd
Alfie: *turns directly to camera*
‘Ello luv, yer ’ere for anotha ILTBTA arrntya? Well stick with yer ole pal Alfie and I’ll give you the best review of this ’ere film. Lovely little flick with a chap called Alfie, not a bad lookin’ bloke if I do say so meself. Gets a bit too mixed up with the wrong kinds of birds if you catch me drift, but still a tip-top chap. Say there, did you come here wif someone luv …?
Ellen & Tyler: Don’t listen to him, readers, he’s a misogynist who learns his lesson too late! Shoo Alfie, shoo!
Previews
What, if anything, did we know about this coming attraction before we watched it?
Ellen: I’ve never seen any young Michael Caine vehicles, so I’m interested to see what’s what!
Tyler: I’m much more familiar with Alfie the dog than Alfie the movie (that is to say: I know nothing about the movie), so here are a couple cute puppy pics to fill the space for your enjoyment. For those who didn’t read to the Post-Credits Scene of our last post, Alfie (AKA Alf AKA Alfalfa AKA Alfredo AKA Fredo) is my parents’ Seeing Eye puppy who in a couple weeks will leave home and head off to “college” to begin the next stage of his training. He’s a rambunctious boy but he will be greatly missed as he goes off to find his greater calling.
What were we talking about? Oh yes, Alfie the movie. Let’s get into it!
Plots & Feelings
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Short Version (courtesy of IMDb): Unrepentant ladies' man Alfie Elkins gradually begins to understand the consequences of his lifestyle in 1960s London.
Long Version (modified from Wikipedia and formatted to fit your screen):
A jazzy intro reminiscent of, to this author, “Everybody Wants to Be A Cat” plays as we pan over the streets of London by night, ironically following a few stray dogs to an underpass with a steamy car. Inside, Alfie Elkins is canoodling with a married woman named Siddie. After they get out and begin walking, Alfie turns right to camera and talks to us! It’s all very exciting until he really lays in on his thoughts on “birds” and tells us of Siddie that he made her laugh, so “it’ll go home happy.” WOOF! He’s lucky he’s hot. Alfie will continue dispensing “wisdom” to the audience throughout the movie.
Tyler: I like the fourth-wall-breaking much better than having an otherwise unnecessary side character who serves strictly as an audience stand-in and vessel for our protagonist to explain their intentions/thoughts.
Fresh off this encounter, Alfie lets himself right into his girlfriend Gilda’s apartment, only to find Humphrey, a bus driver who is very much in love with her, leaving. She’s only got eyes for Alfie, however, even though seemingly all he does is use her for domestic labor and lecture her for not stealing from her job like he does. There must be a little something more, however, because soon Gilda is pregnant! Alfie simultaneously assures her that no one can stop her from having the baby (feminist king), but it’s got nothing to do with him (chauvinist pig). When she cries about the situation, Alfie’s concern is for his shirt.
Ellen: This is definitely the American in me, but I do find it harder to be mad at Alfie when he’s spouting Cockney nonsense like “tuppence haypenny” and “don’t ruckle me sleeve!”
Tyler: Agreed, though if I never hear the word “bird” or “bloke” again I think I’d be okay. (“Go Birds” being the obvious exception).
A quick nine months later, and Malcolm Alfred is born! Against his “better” judgement, Alfie visits Gilda in the hospital, and he’s somewhat taken with young Malcolm. Though he doesn’t love Gilda and doesn’t even pretend to, he’s attentive and lovely to his son… on the weekends, at least. Gilda eventually decides that Malcolm deserves more than a weekend father, and she decides to marry Humphrey.
Alfie takes it on the chin, but the child is clearly still on his mind, because he decides he should be sure his health is in check for Malcolm’s sake. While the female?! doctor conducts his physical, Alfie chatters on to us about how Gilda won’t let him in anymore, but he hears Malcolm asking for Daddy. Apparently, you can replace a bird, but not a child! He’s pulled from his reverie by the revelation that there’s an infection on his lungs1, and this pillar of manhood promptly faints.
Alfie has something of a breakdown and ends up spending time in a pastoral sanatorium, where he’s hooking up with a nurse and has befriended the man in the next bed, Harry. Alfie cannot understand Harry’s devotion to his frumpy wife, Lily, and Harry cannot understand… Alfie’s whole deal, honestly. Harry explains to him, “even though you don’t want to hurt people: you do.” Maybe Alfie will internalize that one day, but despite all of that, the two become close! After Alfie is released, he briefly stops his work as a chauffeur to take photos of tourists at the Tower of London. There he manages to get the name and number of Ruby, an older, bold, affluent, and most importantly promiscuous American woman.
After getting the flu twice from all those tourists, Alfie explains to us that he had to get out of the souvenir photo game. He returns to the chauffeuring grind and even drives a Rolls-Royce to go visit Harry! At Harry’s insistence to the both of them, Alfie gives Lily a ride home. They stop for tea (reasonable), a canoe ride (weird but sure), and then just a quick little extramarital affair (nope!!). Also on the chauffeur side of the house, Alfie stops at a roadside diner after missing a chance to pick up a red-headed hitchhiker, who we learn is named Annie. While the lorry driver, Frank, steps away, Alfie steps in, chatting up Annie and convincing her to go with him instead. Next thing you know, she’s scrubbing his floors.
Ellen: Hilarious to me that even in England, even in the 60s: the waitress at the diner is named Flo.
Allegedly Annie’s domestic habits are a manifestation of guilt she feels for being preoccupied with a love she left behind. This suits Alfie just fine, because he’s running off to see Ruby in her posh apartment regularly. It’s all going swimmingly until a very disgruntled Frank shows up at the pub to have it out with Alfie. It turns into a full-fledged bar brawl, throughout which the band gamely continues to perform while dodging detritus. Alfie comes home with a black eye and extra strength asshole energy, and Annie leaves for good.
Ellen: In a movie that is, by design, absolutely soaked in misogyny, the Frank/Alfie fight over who claimed Annie is some of its most realistic and insidious work. She’s nothing but her quirks and looks on screen, and even the audience can forget that she’s a person with agency whom neither of these men have any right to at all!! Get out of there, girl!!
Knock, knock, what’s that at the door? The consequences of Alfie’s actions in the form of Lily being pregnant? Gross! To his… credit, I suppose, Alfie respects Lily’s wishes not to torpedo her marriage and have the baby, so he helps arrange for her to have an abortion. It’s done in his flat, and Alfie takes a stroll during that time, somewhat implausibly happening to see young Malcolm running happily out of a church, followed by Gilda, Humphrey, and their newly baptized daughter. Upon returning, Alfie finds Lily exhausted and somewhat traumatized, and after seeing the results, Alfie is fairly traumatized too! He’s uncharacteristically sweet to Lily, in his way, insisting she rests up, secretly slipping the £252 the procedure cost into her purse, and gifting her a giant posh teddy bear he once intended to give Malcolm.
Having encountered a Consequence for seemingly the first time in his life, Alfie decides he’s done with all this chasing young birds nonsense. He’s got a real woman in Ruby, and he means to tell her so. The only problem is… she’s got a younger man in her bed! Alfie tries and fails to pretend he doesn’t care and quickly departs. He runs into Siddie3, only to find that even she has returned to her husband. Alfie wanders dejectedly, pondering his life choices, when a stray dog approaches. He immediately takes it under his wing, and they walk off into the night.
Ellen: The solution is always dogs.
Basil: I agree!
Intermission
Even though ILTBTA is free, please indulge us further and enjoy this quick “advertisement.”
This installment of ILTBTA is brought to you by … Flo’s Roadside Diner!
Cheerio, luv! Fancy a cuppa? You’re… wait, you’re American, aren’t you? Phew, I can drop the act! You would not believe how hot the competition is for cafes run by cheeky old gals like me out on Route 66. And every third one of them is named Flo! It’s impossible for an honest woman to get by out there, I’ll tell you that for free. That’s why I picked up shop and settled here! Just toss on an old Cockney accent and they’re eating it up like beans on toast (absolutely foul). Anyway, I’ll give you a discount just not to say anything, can’t let that gravy train stop.
Tuppence haypenny indeed! OY!
Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat?
Love a good Wikipedia rabbit hole in search of some fun facts? Us too.
Alfie’s Wikipedia page has some interesting facts and anecdotes that we recommend you read through, but here are a few of our favorites:
In news that will shock exactly zero loyal Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat? readers, Alfie was based on a play of the same name. After initially starting as a “radio play” (then called Alfie Elkins and His Little Life) on a BBC radio station in 1962, Alfie premiered on stage the following year.
Alfie moved to Broadway in 1964, with Terence Stamp in the title role. Stamp would achieve wider fame for his film role as General Zod in Superman and Superman II. He would later have roles in other movies that I’ve actually seen like Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (as Supreme Chancellor Finis Valorum) and the fantastic Last Night in Soho (as “The Silver Haired Gentleman”).
Alfie’s screenwriter and original playwright Bill Naughton wrote a sequel to Alfie called Alfie Darling. This was also turned into a movie, with musician Alan Price (a founding member of the band The Animals) replacing Michael Caine.
Tyler: Alfie Darling was, uh, less well-received than its predecessor, but the plot is still worth reading through because it is wild.
Alfie was directed by English director and screenwriter Lewis Gilbert, whose 60 year career included over 40 films. Most interesting to us, though, is that he directed three James Bond movies: You Only Live Twice, The Spy Who Loved Me, and Moonraker.
Ellen: We recently finished working our way through every Bond movie, and Moonraker is far and away my favorite “whacky” one. If you haven’t watched it in a while: treat yourself!
Gilbert’s son recommended that his friend Michael Caine play the lead role after the aforementioned Terence Stamp was (in Gilbert’s words) “really bad” on Broadway and opted out of the film. Gilbert admired Caine’s work as an intelligence officer in The Ipcress File.
Tyler: This will be interesting to only me, but I was convinced that his role in Alfie led Michael Caine to be cast in Austin Powers in Goldmember as Austin’s womanizing dad. However, according to the almighty internet, it was actually his work as a spy in The Ipcress File that did.
An Alfie remake was released in 2004 with Jude Law in the title role. Law plays Alfie Elkins Jr., a charming limo driver in Manhattan.
Ellen: The Michael Caine to Jude Law pipeline will feel familiar to anyone who’s watched the 2007 Sleuth remake.
Oscar NewzNewzNewz
Exciting news from the titular Academy!
There’s no time to nomnomnom, we’ve got Oscars news to discuss! Between headlines about tariffs and potential new popes4, you may have seen some news about our beloved ceremony and want to know what’s what. Lucky for you, per usual, we looked into it so you don’t have to:
Last month, The Academy established the Oscar for Best Stunt Design. The award will be first presented at the 100th Academy Awards in 2028. The last new award category created was last year, when The Academy established the Achievement in Casting award, which will be presented for the first time at next year’s ceremony.
Tyler: For anyone interested in learning more about this new stunt category and stunts in general, I highly recommend this episode of The Town podcast with director and stunt coordinator David Leitch. Along with the wickedly fun Atomic Blonde and Bullet Train, Leitch directed the criminally-underrated The Fall Guy movie from last year, which starred Ryan Gosling as a stuntman and is basically a giant love letter to stunts.
Weeks later, The Academy implemented some new rules! (Yay rules!) The one that probably got your attention is the one that will require Academy voters to have actually watched all the nominated movies in a category to vote on it. While loopholes will still exist, it’s a long overdue change.
Ellen: 100% certified bananagrams that The Academy had to institute a rule that I’m pretty sure everyone else assumed was the minimum baseline to participate!
In its new guidelines, The Academy also (sort of) tackled the use of generative AI in movies. In what appears to be a watering down of reported earlier rules to mandate disclosure of its usage, The Academy will now take “into account the degree to which a human was at the heart of the creative authorship” when choosing an award winner. This comes after some light controversy last Oscars season of The Brutalist’s use of AI.
Fill In The Blank
How did we really feel about The Academy nominating this?
Ellen: I’d like to give The Academy a posh but ultimately inappropriate giant teddy bear. I was so caught up in my disdain and dislike for Alfie that I completely forgot the reason I was feeling that strongly was because Michael Caine absolutely nailed the part. Alfie must be incredible in bed, because he seems awful to be around otherwise - but perhaps that’s something to do with the fact that we’re privy to his internal monologue. And to that point, I really enjoyed the concept of getting the inside scoop on his thoughts, but unfortunately it just became a slice of life of a somewhat charming but mostly terrible dude. I know that’s the point, but any concept of redemption or growth was insufficient to the task of making me care about him. Good try, but this ain’t it.
Tyler: I’d like to stare directly at The Academy and send them to a pastoral sanatorium. For me, Alfie started out promising, but faded as the movie went on and our protagonist became more one-note and less likeable. Towards the end of the movie, Alfie says “‘She’ or ‘it’ … they’re all birds” which was really just a perfect encapsulation of Alfie and his entire worldview. He’s a mildly charming fuckboy who we have to watch be a fuckboy for the first 99% of the movie for his epiphany to carry any weight, but by that point I had lost interest in the character overall. Had the epiphany come earlier, or had he shown some other … any other … redeeming qualities, I may have given him the benefit of the doubt, but alas. That being said, I thought Michael Caine played the part fantastically and (as I mentioned in Plots and Feelings) I enjoyed the breaking of the fourth wall. So while I applaud any movie that’s willing to take such a narrative swing, I don’t necessarily think it was a home run worthy of being nominated for Best Picture.
Let The Credits Roll
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Post-Credits Scene
Get a sneak peek at the next ILTBTA installment.
If you were watching the Met Gala last night and thinking, “huh, I wonder what life would have been like for a fictional, deeply controlling high-fashion designer in 1950s London,” then have we got the post for you! Our next movie will be on the 2017 drama Phantom Thread. Featuring the dynamic duo of director Paul Thomas Anderson and star Daniel Day-Lewis, Phantom Thread is available to rent from all of the usual suspects or potentially your local library.
Until then, be like Alfie the dog, not Alfie the dude!
Sounds like my ex-wife!
That’s about £400, or about $530, in today’s secret money for secret procedures.
You remember her, right? From the first bullet? The first woman we heard Alfie refer to as “it”? Of course you do!
Ellen: This non-Catholic’s fingers are crossed for the guy whose last name directly translates to “pizza dance.”