Subjects of Queen ILTBTA: you may enter. Bow before your most venerated and divine queen and read along as her two trusted mouthpieces recount the long, long, wow-this-is-too-long tale of Queen Cleopatra. You will laugh at their jokes and agree with their opinions, or else! Now leave me, for it is time for another costume change …
Previews
What, if anything, did we know about this coming attraction before we watched it?
Ellen: Elizabeth Taylor.
Tyler: I could maybe pull Elizabeth Taylor’s name as the eponymous star, but beyond that I know nothing, even about the real Cleopatra. Maybe this will be a fun history lesson!
Plots & Feelings
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Short Version (courtesy of IMDb): Queen Cleopatra VII of Egypt experiences both triumph and tragedy as she attempts to resist the imperial ambitions of Rome.
Long Version1 (modified from Wikipedia and formatted to fit your screen):
After the Battle of Pharsalus in 48 BC, Julius Caesar goes to Egypt, under the pretext of being named the executor of the will of the father of the young Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII and his sister Cleopatra. Ptolemy2 and Cleopatra are in the midst of a civil war of their own3 and she has been driven out of the city of Alexandria. Ptolemy rules alone under the care of his three "guardians": the chief eunuch Pothinus, his tutor Theodotus and General Achillas.
Tyler: I would like to recognize and thank Cleopatra’s editor for not including some several-minute-long opening overture where we’re introduced to the orchestra and a title slide. (Looking at you Lawrence of Arabia and Ben-Hur.)
Ellen: Cleopatra at least had the decency to do proper credits!
Tyler: Clearly no one told the filmmakers the rule of epics! Aside from the FOUR-HOUR runtime of course … anyway, speaking of the editing, I also enjoyed the transitions from painting to real-life and back. Well done!
Ellen: I noted that too, and kind of wish they’d done it more!
After being smuggled into his chambers (rolled up in a rug) by her most trusted servant Apollodorus, Cleopatra convinces Caesar to restore her throne from her younger brother.
Ellen: While only one sentence, this bullet encompasses many many minutes of the movie, including shenanigans with secret passageways, a spa day, a poisoning attempt at the spa day, and unhinged flirting and power dynamics that make clear to me royalty in this era would have been extra-strength exhausting, supposedly divine as they all were.
Caesar, in effective control of the kingdom, sentences Pothinus to death for arranging an assassination attempt on Cleopatra, and banishes Ptolemy to the eastern desert, where he and his outnumbered army would face certain death against Mithridates. Cleopatra is crowned queen of Egypt and begins to dream of ruling the world with Caesar, who in turn desires to become king of Rome. They marry, and when their son Caesarion is born, Caesar accepts him publicly, which becomes the talk of Rome and the Senate.
After he is made dictator for life, Caesar sends for Cleopatra. She arrives in Rome in a lavish procession and wins the adulation of the Roman people.
Ellen: They cut to Calpurnia, Caesar’s wife, several times during this spectacle, and her resigned but standoffish body language made me laugh out loud.
Tyler: Oh my gosh that was brutal to watch. The first time it was funny but after the next couple times I was like “Get this lady out of there!”
The Senate grows increasingly discontented amid rumors that Caesar wishes to be made king. On the Ides of March in 44 BC, a group of conspirators assassinate Caesar and flee the city, starting a rebellion. An alliance among Octavian (Caesar's adopted son), Mark Antony (Caesar's right-hand man and general) and Marcus Ameilius Lepidus puts down the rebellion and splits the republic. Cleopatra is angered after Caesar's will recognizes Octavian, rather than Caesarion, as his official heir and returns to Egypt.
Intermission
Even though ILTBTA is free, please indulge us further and enjoy this quick “advertisement.”
This installment of ILTBTA is brought to you by … Questionable Macedonian Immigration!
Wondering why a white woman is portraying an African queen? Us too! Don’t really know much about the actual woman Cleopatra? Us either! That’s why Questionable Macedonian Immigration (QMI) may be for you. Our Quality Management Investigators (QMI) will assure you that her family is predominantly Greek, allowing you to cast the white heartthrob of your choice as your Queen Manifesting Isis (QMI).
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While planning a campaign against Parthia in the east, Antony realizes that he needs money and supplies that only Egypt can sufficiently provide. After repeatedly refusing to leave Egypt, Cleopatra acquiesces and meets him on her royal barge in Tarsus. The two begin a love affair.
Ellen: We’re here introduced to full-face-in-goblet Antony, which does not generally go well for him. Though apparently it mirrored the experience of Richard Burton.
Tyler: We’re also introduced to his Jacksonville Jaguars-ass outfit that made me squawk out loud.
Octavian's removal of Lepidus forces Antony to return to Rome, where he marries Octavian's sister Octavia to prevent political conflict. This enrages Cleopatra. Antony and Cleopatra reconcile and marry, with Antony divorcing Octavia.
Ellen: Tyler might call this more newlywed judgment, but marriages don’t seem to mean a whole lot in this world.
Tyler: You beat me to it! Though I will give it a slight “It was a different time” pass because marriages back then could be purely political.
Octavian, incensed, reads Antony's will to the Roman senate, revealing that Antony wishes to be buried in Egypt. Rome turns against Antony, and Octavian's call for war against Egypt receives a rapturous response.
The war is decided at the naval Battle of Actium in 31 BC, where Octavian's fleet, under the command of Agrippa, defeats the lead ships of the Antony-Egyptian fleet. Assuming Antony is dead, Cleopatra orders the Egyptian forces home. Antony follows her, leaving his fleet leaderless and soon defeated.
Ellen: I know nothing of seafaring besides owning boat shoes and enjoying the ✨aesthetic✨, but the film made clear Antony was doing an awful job.
Several months later, Cleopatra sends Caesarion under disguise out of Alexandria. She also convinces Antony to resume command of his troops and fight Octavian's advancing army. However, Antony's soldiers abandon him during the night. Rufio4, the last man loyal to Antony, kills himself. Antony tries to goad Octavian into single combat, but is finally forced to flee into the city.
Ellen: I had assumed one of the deserters killed Rufio (RIP), so it’s even sadder that he just couldn’t face Antony after that.
Tyler: I swear I was awake for the entire movie, but tbh I have *zero* recollection of any of this happening.
When Antony returns to the palace, Apollodorus, in love with Cleopatra himself, tells him she is in her tomb as she had instructed, and lets Antony believe she is dead. Antony falls on his own sword. Apollodorus then confesses that he misled Antony and assists him to the tomb where Cleopatra and two servants have taken refuge. Antony dies in Cleopatra's arms.
Octavian and his army march into Alexandria with Caesarion's dead body in a wagon. He discovers the dead body of Apollodorus, who had poisoned himself. Octavian receives word that Antony is dead and Cleopatra is holed up in a tomb. There he offers to allow her to rule Egypt as a Roman province if she accompanies him to Rome. Cleopatra, knowing that her son is dead, agrees to Octavian's terms, including a pledge on the life of her son not to harm herself. After Octavian departs, she surreptitiously orders her servants to assist with her suicide. Discovering that she is going to kill herself, Octavian and his guards burst into Cleopatra's chamber to find her dead, dressed in gold, along with her servants and the asp that killed her.
Ellen: I’ll admit I was fading toward the end, but I completely missed that Caesarion was killed.
Tyler: I didn’t clock his body in the wagon at all, either. The camera briefly flashes the ring that she gave Caesarion now on Octavion’s finger, so it’s also implied that Octavion found him and killed him for it. Still, a bold choice to go with a “show don’t tell” at the three hour and fifty minute mark.
Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat?
Love a good Wikipedia rabbit hole in search of some fun facts? Us too.
Cleopatra’s Wikipedia page has some interesting facts and anecdotes that we recommend you read through, but here are a few of our favorites:
Cleopatra is adapted from the 1957 book The Life and Times of Cleopatra by Carlo Maria Franzero, as well as, ya know, history. Producer Walter Wanger was inspired to make a biopic on Cleopatra after reading the fantasy novel One of Cleopatra’s Nights and Other Fantastic Romances, Plutarch’s Parallel Lives, and the Shakespeare play Antony and Cleopatra while an undergrad at Dartmouth.
Wanger, a prolific movie producer, is otherwise best known for a 1951 scandal in which he shot the talent agent of his wife, Joan Bennett, with whom he was accused of having an affair. (The agent survived despite being shot in the thigh and groin.) Influenced by his subsequent time in prison (a shockingly light four months), Wanger later produced the highly-regarded prison film Riot in Cell Block 11, as well as the sci-fi classic Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Wanger’s search for a director initially led him to Alfred Hitchcock, with whom he worked on prior-ILTBTA-subject Foreign Correspondent. He then selected Rouben Mamoulian, with whom he had also previously worked. Mamoulian is perhaps now best known for directing the 1940 swashbuckling romp The Mark of Zorro. It is apparently canon in DC Comics that Bruce Wayne and his family were seeing The Mark of Zorro when his parents were murdered, thus inspiring the character of Batman.
After disagreements over script rewrites (see below!), Mamoulian resigned as director after four months of principal photography. Director Joseph Mankiewicz, brother of noted screenwriter Herman Mankiewicz, eventually took over the directing reins but had to rewrite the script largely from scratch in two months after he deemed it “unreadable and shootable5.” Mankiewicz described Cleopatra’s character as “a strange, frustrating mixture of an American soap-opera virgin and an hysterical Slavic vamp.”
A decade earlier, Mankiewicz won an unprecedented four Oscars in just two years for writing and directing both A Letter to Three Wives and All About Eve.
Mankiewicz originally wanted Cleopatra to be split into a two-part, six-hour epic released simultaneously, one focused on her relationship with Caesar (Caesar and Cleopatra) and another on her one with Antony (Antony and Cleopatra). Fox Studios President Darryl Zanuck, however, rejected this idea because he was afraid audiences would only see Antony and Cleopatra after the affair between stars Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton became publicized. Zanuck also thought Cleopatra was too dominant over Antony, saying: “If any woman behaved towards me like Cleopatra treated Antony, I would cut her balls off.”
In addition to asking for a then-record-setting $1 million (something she later claimed was partly a joke because no actress had ever been paid that much) and 10% of box-office gross for playing Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor’s contract also required that Cleopatra be shot in a specific widescreen format developed by her late husband, Mike Todd, ensuring that she would receive additional royalties from the movie.
While filming in England, Taylor got sick with what was eventually diagnosed as meningitis, causing production to stop for weeks. She was treated by several British doctors, including Queen Elizabeth II’s personal physician. While filming was paused, studio executives demanded large portions of the first half of the movie to be re-written, which (understandably) dissatisfied both Mamoulian and Taylor. After four months of shooting and $7 million, the production team had just ten minutes of usable shots.
Our friend Stephen Boyd, who played the antagonist Messala in previous “Summer of Sweat” entrant Ben-Hur, was approached to play Mark Antony but he felt he was too young for the role. He took the role anyway, but eventually left along with many of the other cast and crew following the rewrites.
Critical reviews of Cleopatra were mixed at the time, with The New York Times’ Bosley Crowther calling it “one of the great epic films of our day” and Time magazine writing that “As drama and as cinema, Cleopatra is riddled with flaws. It lacks style both in image and in action. Never for an instant does it whirl along on wings of epic elan; generally it just bumps from scene to ponderous scene on the square wheels of exposition.” Even Elizabeth Taylor said that “They had cut out the heart, the essence, the motivations, the very core, and tacked on all those battle scenes. It should have been about three large people, but it lacked reality and passion. I found it vulgar.”
Ellen: “Square wheels of exposition” is a burn for the ILTBTA record books.
Elizabeth Taylor set a Guinness World Record for most costume changes in a film with 65, though this was later surpassed by Julie Andrews in Star!, who had an astounding 125 costume changes.
Ellen: While I cannot fathom them being historically accurate, I loved getting to see all of Cleo’s looks.
A more embarrassing record set by Cleopatra: it became the most expensive movie ever made, costing $44 million. For reference, Ben-Hur, which was made just four years earlier, cost $15 million. According to a Vanity Fair piece from 1998 that is very much worth a read, even a generous inflation of that production cost relates to a budget of over $230 million. Lucky for the studio, the film was incredibly commercially successful and they were actually able to turn a small profit.
Tyler: To re-emphasize a point made above, the article linked does a fantastic job of retelling how absolutely chaotic the production of Cleopatra was. I knew about other movies’ production hells (e.g., Apocalypse Now), but holy Hannah people looking back on it sound traumatized. The stress of making this movie kept hospitals in business!
Fill In The Blank
How did we really feel about The Academy nominating this?
Ellen: I’d like to forgive The Academy for poisoning my wine but make them drink it anyway. While that may seem strong, it reflects my “both/and” attitude about this movie. It both has some truly spectacular elements (Cleopatra’s entrance to Rome chief among them), and just so much exposition and filler that I don’t care about. I found original-recipe Caesar compelling (since everyone and their brother just took on the Caesar name I guess), and Cleopatra in particular had really solid one-liners. But when it wasn’t endless exposition, it was tortured romances and some truly silly scenes. For example, there’s a moment when Cleopatra removes a panel from an eye mosaic to spy on Caesar, and I cackled, which I bet is not what they wanted me to do. I agree with Tyler below that there’s nothing particularly compelling about Marc Antony, especially when he’s in his cups, which he often is. Maybe I’m just getting worn down by the “Summer of Sweat,” but this wasn’t it for me.
Tyler: I’d like to give The Academy a basket of fruit with an asp inside of it. Look, this movie has some things going for it: the sets are grand, the writing is occasionally great, and Elizabeth Taylor is stunning. But aside from that, I just didn’t think it was very good. Unlike earlier epics from our “Summer of Sweat” series, it felt oddly paced and seemed to just plod along6. This resulted in a poor score on the ever-important Cell Phone Test, in which I often found myself checking my phone out of boredom. Even three hours in, I still had very little feelings about the movie itself or any of its characters; things just kind of … happened. And there was still an hour left!
Even the acting felt off. There was a lot of both melodramatic and stiff acting, as if no one could find the right balance in between. And Cleopatra’s accent seemed to change with the scene. I was also surprised at how underwhelmed I was at the chemistry between Cleopatra and Marc Antony. Maybe I was too worn down by the time we finally got to their love story, but I didn’t see anything exceptional or electric between those two. Overall, the absolute clusterfuck of a production and back-and-forth editing process really shows in the final product.
Let The Credits Roll
Thanks for reading! Some quick housekeeping as you exit the theatre:
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Post-Credits Scene
Get a sneak peek at the next ILTBTA installment.
Based on positive feedback from our Ben-Hur post, we heard you like Charlton Heston in biblical epics, so we’re here to wrap up our “Summer of Sweat” with another Charlton Heston biblical epic (and based on runtime, the Charlton Heston biblical epic): The Ten Commandments. Remember everything you forgot about Moses and watch this dramatic retelling of his life from director Cecil B. Demille. The Ten Commandments is available to rent from your tech-behemoth-turned-streaming-service-or-media-rental-platform of choice.
Until then, de-Nile’s not just a river in Egypt!
Ellen: I’d like to take a moment to commend whomever wrote this on Wikipedia for condensing four hours of content into six bullets. This author could never 😅
Tyler: Given how much we rely on Wikipedia, I’d like to commend everyone whose hobby it is to update movies’ Wikipedia pages.
Because this is a movie about Cleopatra, Ptolemy is portrayed as a whining little idiot, and they cast that perfectly.
Sounds like my ex-wife!
Ellen: Based on goodwill from Hook alone, I was very attached to Rufio.
You’d think Wanger would know all about something being shootable!
A recent example of the exact opposite of this is Oppenheimer, which was (in our opinion) well-paced despite stuffing a lot of story into its three-hour runtime.