Moonstruck (1987)
Cher-ly you can’t be serious
🎵 Whennnnnnn Nic Cage falls in love and she’s sent from above … that’s ILTBTA1 🎵
🎵 And when Cher takes the bait and the moon seals their fate, thaaaat’s ILTBTA! 🎵
🎵 Popcorn pops, pop-pop pop-pop pop, pop-pop pop-pop pop,
🎵 Addddd some butter (adddd some butter)🎵
🎵 And when logic’s ignored give that thing some awards, thaaaaaaaaaaat’s ILTBTA!🎵
Previews
What, if anything, did we know about this coming attraction before we watched it?
Ellen: I’ve had a few friend groups over the years that have gone through Nic Cage phases, leading me to watch, among others: The Wickerman, The Rock, and, oh boy, Vampire’s Kiss. Being that these groups were largely composed of Dumb Boys (bless them), I was never able to get Moonstruck across the finish line: until now!
Tyler: It’s a shame enough of those Dumb Boys didn’t go see The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent to help it break even at the box office.
As far as Moonstruck goes, I know absolutely nothing about this movie, but it sure looks and sounds pretty schlocky. Granted I wasn’t around in the 80s to experience Cher and Nic Cage closer to the peak of their fame (I’m now imagining someone in 2040 saying that about Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper before sitting down to watch the most recent A Star Is Born), so I can’t help but wonder if that’ll impact how much this movie “hits.” I’m also generally pretty iffy on rom-coms, but it’s about time we covered one here at ILTBTA. What’s the worst that could happen?
Plots & Feelings
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Short Version (courtesy of IMDb): Loretta Castorini, a bookkeeper from Brooklyn, New York, finds herself in a difficult situation when she falls for the brother of the man she has agreed to marry.
Long Version (modified from Wikipedia and formatted to fit your screen):
MGM presents: the moon! “That’s Amore” plays2 as we alternate following a Metropolitan Opera scenic truck and a power-walking Loretta down the mean streets of New York City. She’s a thirty-seven year old Italian-American widow and bookkeeper who does not have time for your nonsense. At an - you guessed it - Italian restaurant, her boyfriend Johnny proposes (whilst still seated3 at first)! She’s simultaneously very matter-of-fact about it but also deeply superstitious, believing that getting married at the courthouse and shirking tradition in her first marriage led them to disaster (namely her husband’s untimely death after just two years). Sporting her new engagement ring, also known as Johnny’s pinkie ring, she drives her new fiancé to the airport to visit his dying mother in Sicily. Loretta insists on beginning to plan while he’s gone, and he has just one request: for her to call his estranged brother Ronny and invite him to the wedding.
Ellen: I have in my notes that Johnny looks like a less-confident Alan Rickman, and I stand by that.
Tyler: HA that is spot on! Also, Loretta basically does a literal “Sounds like my ex-husband!” bit but she’s entirely serious.
After snagging some champagne, Loretta comes home to her father Cosmo, mother Rose, and paternal grandfather and his many dogs4. Rose approves of the fact that Loretta likes him but doesn’t love him, because it’s much harder to get hurt that way. Cosmo meanwhile is not a Johnny fan, and his response to her announcing the engagement is “again?!” He’s extremely reluctant to pay for the wedding. Grandpa and his avalanche of dogs thunder downstairs the next morning, on their way to gossip with the other old Italian men about how to convince Cosmo to change his mind. At the house, Rose is making eggs in the hole when Johnny calls, reminding Loretta to call his brother, but of course he’s waiting for a “peaceful moment” to tell his mother. Loretta dials the number she was given, which turns out to be for Cammareri Bros. Bakery. She explains the situation to Ronny, who dramatically yells “what’s wrong can never be made right!!” and hangs up.
Tyler: Between "That's Amore" and some guy named Carmine, I get the impression that this movie is gonna fill out our Italian bingo card pretty quickly.
Loretta goes down to the shop to see what’s what, and she literally has to go down to the basement to find Ronny. There he stands: hair a mess, sweaty and tatted, and absolutely full of attitude. He barely says anything without screaming it, including asking one of the shop assistants to give him a knife to cut his own throat. Ronny is not okay! Loretta finally gets the story: five years ago, Ronny was engaged. Johnny ordered some bread from him, and while Ronny was slicing it, his hand got caught up and he ended up losing both it and his fiancée. Ronny’s pretty much beside himself at all times, so Loretta insists they go upstairs to talk. She makes him a steak and spaghetti while he stares at this La bohème opera poster and listens to the record. They have a conversation so tense Loretta is like “good grief, I need whiskey.” They continue inexpertly psychoanalyzing each other and when Loretta says Ronny is a wolf who chewed off his own foot to escape the trap of the wrong love, it’s too much: Ronny flips the table between them and it’s ON! Meanwhile, we learn two things about Cosmo: he’s both a plumber and a dang cheater.
Having a normal one (Source) Ellen: When Ronny runs his hand through his hair after the table flip I could not keep it together, I howled lol.
Tyler: It was this scene where the movie officially lost me.
That evening, Rose's brother Raymond and his wife Rita join Rose, Cosmo, and Grandpa for dinner, all wondering where Loretta could be. Raymond recounts a time when Cosmo and Rose were first dating, his enchantment by a particularly bright, shining moon seemed to bring him right to their house. It’s just like the moon tonight! Cosmo looks deeply uncomfortable, as he should. Across town, Ronny and Loretta look at the moon from his window, and later Grandpa takes all the dogs out to howl at “la bella luna5!” The next morning, Loretta is horrified and says they have to take this to their coffins. Ronny insists he’s in love with her, but says that if she’ll go to the opera with him tonight, then he’ll leave her alone forever. She agrees, and then immediately books it to church to confess her sins. She runs into her mother in the pews, who says she knows Cosmo is cheating.
Loretta is quite conflicted about the whole situation, but not enough to stop her from going to the salon to get a full Princess Diaries makeover and buying a fancy gown. She steps out of the cab at the Met with a bold lip and hair floofed to the max. Ronny’s betuxed self is floored, and they proceed inside. Unbeknownst to them, Cosmo and his trollop6 are there too! Meanwhile, Rose has dinner alone at that same Italian restaurant. A professor who keeps getting water thrown in his face by students he’s dating is also there, and as he mops off from his latest failure, he joins Rose. She mainly would like to know why men chase women. Rose allows him to walk her home, where they run into Grandpa! No one says anything, and they go their separate ways. Rose refuses to invite the professor in, saying “I know who I am. You’re a little boy who likes to be bad7.” Back at the Met, Ronny has been watching Loretta watch the opera, and they hold hands, both tearing up. As they leave, the inevitable happens: Loretta and Cosmo spot each other! They have a quick finger-pointing session regarding who’s engaged and who’s married.
Ellen: If this were Damien Chazelle’s Moonstruck, Ronny would have given a ten minute monologue on the importance of opera.
Tyler: A jazz opera, specifically. Though in his defense, the equivalent hand-holding scene from La La Land is (in my opinion) much better.
Ronny and Loretta walk home and have an argument about what to do, because Loretta didn’t wait for the right man again, and now though Ronny’s here, he’s late. To quote directly from Wikipedia, “Ronny desperately persuades her into another tryst.” Back at the house, Johnny’s back! He tells Rose about his mother’s seemingly miraculous recovery and promises to return in the morning to tell Loretta. Rose once more asks why men chase women, and he eventually responds “maybe because they fear death?”, and because that’s what her opinion is, she’s finally satisfied with the response. Cosmo returns, and Rose informs him that no matter what, he’s going to die, just like everyone else.
Loretta walks home the next morning, leaving Ronny alone to blast his La bohème record like a moody teen. Her mom is making oatmeal, and the two awkwardly discuss Loretta’s “love bites” and the fact that Johnny is coming over this morning. Ding-dong! They panic, but it’s Ronny! Rose invites him to stay for breakfast. Next to arrive are Cosmo and Grandpa, who states his insistence that Cosmo pay for the wedding. Cosmo, eying his daughter’s fiancé’s brother at breakfast in a rumpled tux, is like “sure, if there is one.” Rose calmly tells Cosmo she wants him to stop seeing “her”, and he eventually agrees. Ding-dong! Oops, this time it’s Raymond and Rita, wondering what happened to the stack of cash Loretta was supposed to deposit for them. Upon realizing that she simply forgot, they happily join the breakfast table. DING. DONG. It’s finally Johnny! He tells of his mother’s miracle recovery, but breaks the news that he believes he now can’t marry Loretta or his mother will die. He’s stoked to see his brother though! Loretta returns the ring to Johnny only for Ronny to ask for it, and he proposes! Love is all around, and the family all toast, with Grandpa insisting Johnny join them too as part of the family.
Intermission
Even though ILTBTA is free, please indulge us further and enjoy this quick “advertisement.”
This installment of ILTBTA is brought to you by … the moon!
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Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat?
Love a good Wikipedia rabbit hole in search of some fun facts? Us too.
Moonstruck’s Wikipedia page has some interesting facts and anecdotes that we recommend you read through, but here are a few of our favorites:
Moonstruck director Norman Jewison has been nominated for the Academy Award for Best Director in three separate decades: in 1967 for previous ILTBTA subject In The Heat Of The Night, four years later for “it’s too long to be an ILTBTA post” Fiddler On The Roof, and Moonstruck.
Tyler: I still can't believe "Norman Jewison" is a real person's name and not something that came out of Kanye West's mouth. Even more ironic, he’s not even Jewish: the man who so adeptly directed Fiddler On The Roof was actually Protestant.
The opera that Loretta and Ronny see, La bohème, premiered in 1896 in Turin and was conducted by famed conductor Arturo Toscanini when he was only 28 years old. Despite being popular with audiences, some critics found the music to be “insufficiently sophisticated or difficult.” One composer wrote: “[A]fter four or five performances I never wanted to hear Bohème again. In spite of its neatness, I became sickened by the cheapness and emptiness of the music.”
Tyler: I cannot fathom a more stereotypically snobby occupation than an opera critic.
While many associate “That’s Amore” with the classic Dean Martin song featured in Moonstruck, fewer people know that it’s also the name of a reality dating show that aired in early 2008 on MTV. During the weekly eliminations, the lead (a guido named Domenico) would present each woman with an Italian flag while asking “Will you be my bambina?”
In earlier takes of the movie, Nicolas Cage attempted to talk “like a wolf who spoke with a growl” after being influenced by Jean Marais’ role in a live-action Beauty and the Beast. Director Norman Jewison eventually gave him a call and told him the accent wasn’t working out.
Ellen: Wait, so this wasn’t Nic Cage talking like a wolf with a growl??
Oscar NomNomNomz
Since we all know a movie is nothing without the food and drink it incorporates.
It’s now time to award the Oscar for Best Snacktor in a Supporting Role8. And the nomnomnominees are:
A celebratory bottle of Mumm from Sweetheart Wine and Liquors
A loaf of bread from Cammareri Bros. Bakery
A rare steak with a side of spaghetti and whiskey
And the Oscar goes to … a loaf of bread from Cammareri Bros! Unfortunately, the bread was stolen by Loretta for family dinner (“FUGEDDABOWDIT!” she said), so we will accept this award on its behalf.
Fill In The Blank
How did we really feel about The Academy nominating this?
Ellen: I’d like to give The Academy a big pizza pie, because I heard that’s amore! Okay look, “amore” is definitely too strong for my feelings on this movie, but like… I had fun, I giggled. The stereotypes were raging, most character’s choices made no sense, and it all took place over like 3 days. I didn’t take it seriously at all, and overall, I probably treated it more like a madcap cartoon than anything else. In some ways, it was nice to watch a Best Picture nominee where I didn't have to marinate for five days to untangle my feelings. That being said, it’s unhinged for this to have been nominated. I think the Academy themselves got a little moonstruck by tangled interpersonal drama and the absurdity of Nicolas Cage’s performance, which happens to the best of us.
Tyler: I’d like to smack The Academy across the face and say “Snap out of it!” This movie is not good. While I don’t condone judging a book by its cover, I will say that my impression of Moonstruck as “schlocky” was spot-on. Allow me to unpack this a bit:
The characters were nearly all insufferable, like they were each somehow every Italian stereotype jammed into a single person and dialed up to 11. The cheating Cosmo and Loretta (a role that somehow earned the non-Italian Cher a Best Actress Oscar) were the worst offenders, though the melodramatic Ronny was not far behind.
The writing literally made me laugh several times, but not in the way it was probably intended. For example, Loretta responds to Johnny’s “My mother’s dying” with “How was the flight?” like a freakin’ sociopath. Later, she actually utters the words “Leave nothing but the skin on my bones” which made me want to stop watching then and there. If you fed it the script to Goodfellas I think ChatGPT could’ve done better. Which leads me to my final point …
The romance between Loretta and Ronny was frustrating, and yet another example of a movie employing the cheap trick of having the lead characters inexplicably fall in love in like five minutes for plot purposes. I’d even forgive it a little if it bothered to pretend there was more of a passage of time to make it more believable. I know they’re supposed to be literally moonstruck, so maybe I just disagree with the central premise of the movie itself.
Long story short, it’s a no from me dog.
Let The Credits Roll
Thanks for reading! Some quick housekeeping as you exit the theatre:
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If you’d like to start a wild Best Picture journey of your own, feel free to download a copy of The Spreadsheet. Bonus: checking off the boxes is oddly satisfying.
Post-Credits Scene
Get a sneak peek at the next ILTBTA installment.
We hope you enjoyed this special Valentine’s Day edition of I’d Like to Blank the Academy! For our next post, we’ll close out February by watching the final nominee from the very first Academy Awards: 7th Heaven. Longtime ILTBTA readers will recall that we’ve also covered its fellow nominees Wings and The Racket.
7th Heaven stars Janet Gaynor and Charles Farrell as a loving couple torn apart by the war, which because it’s from the 20s we can safely assume was World War I. The movie is actually so old that it has entered the public domain, so you can watch it for free on its Wikipedia page or on YouTube thanks to this neat channel called "Old Films Revival Project".
Until then …
P.S. Meet ILTBTA’s new unpaid intern: Basil! Basil is one-and-a-half years old and comes to us from Houston, TX. While she does not have much movie-watching and -reviewing experience, she’s extremely eager to learn and already loves sitting on the couch with her parents and waiting for popcorn to fall.
Pronounced “ilt-BIT-uh”
Ellen: The phrase “a big pizza pie” will pretty much always make me smile.
Tyler: Not a good sign that he isn't willing to get on his knees for his woman.
Tyler: Hooray for some mid-sized dog representation! I feel like “city dogs” in movies (and real life, understandably) are almost always on the small side, so it was refreshing to see some somewhat larger ones included. Thus concludes me complimenting this movie.
Sounds like my current wife :) Happy Valentine’s Day!
Get his ass.
Results tabulated and certified by the accountants at Ernst & Yum™.
Ellen, I remember enjoying this movie for the absolute insanity that it is!
Tyler, that’s amore - snap out of it!
Happy Valentine’s Day!