The Russians Are Coming the Russians Are Coming (1966)
Dumbkirk
Operator here, how can I help you? Oh, what’s that, you want to hear about the latest ILTBTA installment? Great choice, I hear this week they’re covering a unique one from 1966: The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming! You may hear different accounts of the situation since no one was really explaining themselves1, but it caused quite the hubbub here on Gloucester Island either way, I can tell you that much. I won’t spoil the ending, but you just go ahead and read on to see for yourself!
Previews
What, if anything, did we know about this coming attraction before we watched it?
Ellen: The title is a good joke, let’s see how it plays out.
Tyler: I wonder if this is what Wayne Gretzky thought as Alex Ovechkin chased down (and eventually broke) his previously-unbreakable goals record … what were we talking about? Oh yea, I’ve never seen or heard of this movie, but that’s about to change!
Plots & Feelings
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Short Version (courtesy of IMDb): Without hostile intent, a Soviet submarine runs aground off New England. Men are sent for a boat, but many villagers go into a tizzy, risking bloodshed.
Long Version (modified from Wikipedia and formatted to fit your screen):
One September morning during the Cold War, a goofy little periscope breaks through the waves off of Gloucester Island, Massachusetts. The man operating it is the captain of the Soviet Navy submarine Sprut2, and he is gleefully giggling at finally having spotted America. So engrossed is he that he neglects the warnings of klaxons and crew alike, and the sub runs aground! Rather than radio for help and risk an embarrassing international incident, the captain sends a party of nine sailors ashore, led by Lieutenant Yuri Rozanov, who (mostly) speaks English. The group makes their way up the shore to a cottage, getting very excited by the bottles of Coca-Cola they find in the garage.
Tyler: Opening the movie with like 10 minutes on the Russians without any subtitles is quite the choice. If I put my
MovieFilm Overanalysis hat on, maybe it was done on purpose to “otherize” the Russians from the jump? I assume the movie wants you to figure out what's happening through physicality/character actions alone, but it wasn’t exactly an effective hook.
The cottage is inhabited by vacationing playwright Walt Whittaker and his family: wife Elspeth and children, Pete and Annie. Walt is surly, damp, and weeks behind on the second act of his latest musical. Elspeth is a stereotypical breezily supportive wife. Pete is annoying as hell on a good day, but he’s absolutely insistent that there are Russian soldiers all over the lawn. (Nice try, buddy, let Daddy have his coffee.) Annie is the girl one. Ding-dong, is that the babysitter, Alison? Nope: Rozanov and his merry band of sailors. After a brief and unsuccessful attempt to lie, they just pull guns. The parents are cowed immediately, whereas Pete and Annie are defiant and serene, respectively. Rozanov assures them there’s no need for concern, gets some basic details about the island, and says he has to use their car to go acquire a “motor power boat.” He leaves behind young Alexei Kolchin to watch the family.
Ellen: This must have been before they taught children to act, because all Pete really does is shriek, and I found him to be unbearable. So does his father, for the most part, though Walt does apologize for not believing him about the Russians, which was shocking!
Tyler: Good lord Pete was annoying. But in his defense, him saying there are men with guns outside is just … completely ignored by his parents? Not being a parent maybe I can't relate, and maybe it's a “boy who cried wolf” situation, but something that specific seems worth looking into? Is this what passed as comedy in the 60s?
Alexei, to his credit, seems very uncomfortable holding a gun on children, and he tries to keep the situation as calm as possible. When the doorbell rings again and it really is Alison this time, Walt takes the opportunity to wrest the gun from Alexei! The family dog chases the Russian away in the chaos3, while Pete expresses his disappointment that Walt is, in his eyes, a traitor for not shooting him. In part to get his obnoxious son off his back, Walt bikes to town to try and figure out what the deal is.
Tyler: Pete negging his own father is bananas.
Meanwhile, this clown car of Russians trundles down the road until it runs out of gas. They walk to the next closest house, refuse to explain themselves, and end up tying the postmistress Muriel Everett to a chair and hanging her to dry! The situation is played for comedy, such as it is in this movie. She manages to get a panicked call to switchboard operator Alice Foss about a Russian invasion before she’s out of commission, and by the time that the police force is mustered, Alice has churned the rumor mill so thoroughly4 that large chunks of the town believe the airport has been captured and Russian parachutists are due to plummet upon them at any moment. The Russians pile into Muriel’s old jalopy, which strains to cart them into town.
The official phone tree finally gets all of the police to the station, led by Police Chief Link Mattocks, assisted by Norman Jones and some other yahoos who mostly just squawk. Speaking of squawking, the town has been whipped into a full-blown extrajudicial militia led by Fendall Hawkins. Chief Mattocks tries to calm the crowd, pointing out that there are exactly zero witnesses and the sounds they believed to be gunfire was just a motorcycle backfiring. The fervor is too strong to dissipate, so the Chief takes half the group, including Fendall, to the airport, while Norm stays behind to establish town defenses. He even enlists the town drunk, Luther, to get Beatrice (his horse) and ride out to the edges of town to warn them. The rest of the town group promptly opens the bar, whereas the airport group less-promptly discovers that the approximately 3 planes at the airstrip are just fine. Fendall is deeply disappointed.
Walt gets to town to find fear and chaos, and nobody at the bar wants to hear that the Russians basically just had the submarine equivalent of a flat tire. He ends up being captured by Rozanov again. The sailors had been scoping the harbor and hiding out in a dry cleaner, trying to determine how to steal a boat without hurting anybody. They take Walt upstairs to the telephone central office, where Alice is gossiping and connecting people like there’s no tomorrow. One of the Russians cuts the phone lines, and they tie Walt and Alice back to back. At Walt’s suggestion, they decide to create a diversion to draw people away from the wharf.
Throughout, we get a bunch of quick cuts to Luther trying and failing spectacularly to get on his horse.
Tyler: I have to admit, this is the first and only thing that made me chuckle (intentionally, see the next bullet).
Back at the cottage, Elspeth is trying to keep it together and pack up, but she’s freaking out. At the first opportunity, she and Pete hitch a ride into town, leaving Alison to guard Annie and the house. Naturally, this is when Alexei returns, because he also had a direct order to guard the house. He insists he doesn’t want to hurt anyone and even offers to let Alison take his gun. He’s cute, so she trusts him. Alexei is frightened by the high tensions, and Alison assures him it’ll all be okay. The two chat and basically enter their own Lifetime movie, walking along the beach with Annie and kissing.
Tyler: Direct from my notes: “The fuck is this girl doing taking the child down to the beach for a romantic stroll with this guy?” Never has Stockholm Syndrome kicked in so quickly. These simple, hot blondes are the closest thing to a moral compass this movie has.
Ellen: You know, I would argue that emotions are heightened and so weird choices are being made, but the picture below shows the three most even-keeled characters in the whole thing! At least their “romance” is basically just mutual attraction, and there’s no expectation, not even from them, that this is “love” or that they’ll ever see each other again.
The Russians successfully pull off their distraction, and all but Rozanov set off to go rescue the sub, while the Lieutenant goes to scoop up Alexei. Walt and Alice, after much struggling and general buffoonery, manage to hop out of the office and down the stairs, where Elspeth and Pete have conveniently just turned up! They drive back to the cottage to see Alison and Alexei and Rozanov, oh my! Walt gets Alexei’s gun and tries to shoot Rozanov, who is sitting Muriel’s car, and finally be a hero in his son’s eyes, but immediately is horrified by what he’s done. Thankfully, he’s a bad shot, so Rozanov is okay and “wounded in dignity only.” The whole crew drives back into town to explain the situation.
Ellen: One of the best parts of this movie is any time one of the Massholes says “cahr”.
Tyler: Or “hah-bah.” Anyway, for a hot second I genuinely thought this movie had the cajones to have Walt kill Rozanov … but no. The scene is capped off with the two men shaking hands, which is much closer to what this movie thinks it’s about.
The tide rises, as it is wont to do5, and the submarine floats off the sandbar. The Captain directs the ship into the harbor, demanding to know where the shore party has gone. The wind left the militia’s proverbial sails upon hearing the airport was fine, but Fendall runs off to try to radio the Air Force for help anyway. Even Chief Mattocks has to admit the whole thing isn’t quite a hoax when the submarine’s guns are trained on the crowd assembled at the docks. With Rozanov acting as translator, the Captain threatens the town and demands his sailors back, and in turn Chief Mattocks declares the Captain under arrest and lists the charges. Cannons are tilted toward the crowd, guns are cocked in response, and the tension only breaks when a kid who climbed the church steeple for a better look falls over a broken railing! The cries of a blond child in trouble are apparently universal, and townsfolk and sailors alike work to create a human ladder. Alexei, the only man we care about, ascends and brings the child down to safety!
Ellen: During this whole thing, no one, including Rozanov, thinks to say “the rest of the crew is fine, they stole a boat to rescue your dumb asses, and since you’re gone, they’re probably just wandering the coastline!” I suppose with more factions of the militia running around, he can’t for sure say that they’re okay, but it’s not like they’re being held in a basement somewhere!
Tyler: I already decided I disliked this movie by this point, but that extremely obvious plot hole really bothered me. I honestly think whoever wrote this started with that scene and Chekhov’s toddler and worked backwards from there, regardless of whether or not it made sense.
Peace is established just in time for Fendall to return and announce that he successfully contacted the Air Force. And, wait, why aren’t you all patting me on the back?? The Russians’ worst fear of a confrontation with the US military is now close at hand, but their new best friends won’t stand for it. Elspeth has the bright idea to give the sub a civilian escort out to sea, and everyone piles aboard the appropriate vessels to take a nice little cruise. They meet up with the other Russians out on the water, who get back into the sub. Fighter jets are seen in the sky, and they buzz the floatilla several times before ultimately turning around. The crowd cheers, and the submarine dips back into the briny blue.
Ellen: “Civilian escort” is a much nicer phrase than “human shield.” Yeah I know it’s not quite the same, but…
Tyler: Was I hoping for the Air Force to bomb the entire town? Yes, yes I was.
Luther has finally managed to ride his horse to the outskirts of town, shouting a warning as Beatrice rears up: “The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming!”
Intermission
Even though ILTBTA is free, please indulge us further and enjoy this quick “advertisement.”
This installment of ILTBTA is brought to you by … Alice Foss’ Baseless Rumor Mill Telephone Switchboard!
Hello, traveler, and welcome to Gloucester, Mass! You’re not Russian, are you? We had a bit of an invasion issue with that a while back, but you didn’t hear it from me. Some out there are even saying it’s entirely my fault for jumping to conclusions, but really, what would you have done??
Ahem, anyhoo, where are my manners! I’m Alice Foss, and while my title is technically switchboard operator, I really like to think of myself as the Chief Information Officer of our little hamlet, connecting our dear islanders to one another and the world. It’s a job I take deadly seriously, but who says I can’t have a bit of fun while I’m at it? Some stories are too good not to be shared! to irresponsibly spin up into a tizzy. Since you’re new here, I’ll let you in on a little secret: if you keep me informed, I’ll do the same for you. 100% juicy accuracy guaranteed!
Remember: always get your goss from Foss!
Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat?
Love a good Wikipedia rabbit hole in search of some fun facts? Us too.
TRACTRAC’s Wikipedia page has some interesting facts and anecdotes that we recommend you read through, but here are a few of our favorites:
The Russians Are Coming the Russians Are Coming is based on the 1961 novel The Off-Islanders written by Nathaniel Benchley. Several other of his novels were adapted into movies, including Sail A Crooked Ship and The Spirit Is Willing. His son, Peter Benchley, wrote the novel Jaws upon which the Steven Spielberg movie is based.
TRACTRAC was directed by Norman Jewison, who also directed previous ILTBTA post topics In The Heat of the Night and Moonstruck.
Ellen: Shout out to Norman for not only directing wildly different genres, but also doing so well enough to get them nominated for Best Picture!
The Soviet submarine that runs aground is called the СпруT, which translates to “octopus.”
The submarine used was a rented mockup from a different movie after the U.S. Navy and Russian Embassy both denied requests for working submarines.
Ellen: They were right.
Though it’s set on the fictional island of Gloucester in Massachusetts, the film was mostly filmed in and around Mendocino, California.
Alan Arkin, who we saw last year in Little Miss Sunshine, studied the Russian language extensively before taking on the role of Lt. Rozanov, which was his first major film role. Arkin was rewarded with an Oscar nomination for Best Actor.
Alex Hassilev, who played one of the other Russian sailors, not only spoke fluent Russian but was also in a folk music group called The Limeliters.
Oscar NomNomNomz
Since we all know a movie is nothing without the food and drink it incorporates.
It’s now time to award the Oscar for Best Snacktor in a Supporting Role6. And the nomnomnominees are:
Bacon, eggs, burnt toast, and a glass of orange juice for breakfast while at gunpoint
A drink at the bahhh while purporting to organize the town’s defense
A slice of chocolate cake and a glass of milk while Alison tends to your facial wounds
And the Oscar goes to … the chocolate cake and milk! Unfortunately the militia ran them out of town after hearing they fraternized with a Russian, so we will accept this award on their behalf.
Fill In The Blank
How did we really feel about The Academy nominating this?
Ellen: I’d like to steal all the Coke from The Academy’s garage, followed by their car. Okay. I have room in my heart for the idea that this hit differently when it was released. It’s got some subversive tendencies: Russians who are both human and mostly chill, a son who doesn’t automatically respect his father, believing a woman (though maybe you shouldn’t believe Alice Foss specifically). And perhaps some of the humor hinged on those unexpected absurdities, but man, it did not transcend past the moment. You, dear reader, were spared this, but such a high percentage of this movie is just loud. Miscommunication is already one of my least favorite storytelling tropes, and combining that with a style of “comedy” that largely rests on people yelling at each other and not communicating basic, obvious facts? I’ve got a headache.
Tyler: I’d like to politely ask The Academy to put down the hopium and give me two hours of my life back. Guys, this movie is not good. I’m at a loss for where to begin … it’s too long, the acting is okay at best, the story (as mentioned) has obvious plot holes with no redeeming qualities to allow me to overlook them, the humor just doesn’t land, none of the characters are particularly likeable or well fleshed out, and while the overall message is fine (“Let’s just be nice to each other!”), the satire is a bit too heavy-handed and naive to be effective. The Russians may be coming, but I’m not staying.
Let The Credits Roll
Thanks for reading! Some quick housekeeping as you exit the theatre:
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Post-Credits Scene
Get a sneak peek at the next ILTBTA installment.
As Tyler’s parents prepare to say farewell to another Seeing Eye puppy (Alfie, AKA Alfalfa AKA Alfredo AKA Fredo) next month as he begins the next stage of his training, we decided to honor the young pup with our next ILTBTA post: the 1966 romantic drama Alfie. Starring Michael Caine in the titular role, Alfie follows a self-centered, womanizing man who is forced to question his behavior and lifestyle.
Alfie (the movie) is available to stream for free on Pluto TV or rented from Amazon Prime Video or Apple TV if you can’t be bothered to watch ads. Alfie (the dog) is not available to be streamed at this time.
Until then, just … talk to each other, for goodness sake.
This also goes for whether or not there’s a comma in the title, as different places have different grammatical tastes.
As you will learn in Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat, this is the Americanized version of the name.
Basil: Good boy! Woof woof woof.
Sounds like my ex-wife!
Did an entire submarine’s worth of sailors not understand this?!
Results tabulated and certified by the accountants at Ernst & Yum™.