Hey there youse delinquents and broads, welcome back to another installment of I’d Like To Blank The Academy. This time we tackled ILTBTA’s first musical: the 1961 Best Picture winner West Side Story, which we enjoyed at our local Regal theatre. We’d be remiss if we didn’t mention that lyrics for both the play and film adaptation were written by the late great Stephen Sondheim (while still in his 20s!)1, who passed away recently at the age of 91. Now as they say: the show must go on!
Previews
What, if anything, did we know about this coming attraction before we watched?
Ellen: This is one of those movies that I don’t remember ever not having seen, but I’ve seen it an untold number of times. It’s possible it’s another movie that my mom sat me down to watch at some point, and the DVD is currently hanging out in my parents’ family room2. Unlike certain other authors of this newsletter, musicals tend to draw me into deeper emotional waters, such that after watching them I often have a several day feelings hangover. West Side Story is at the top of that particular pyramid3, and I feel less outside my mind when I remember it’s basically Shakespeare. I’M SUPPOSED TO FEEL THINGS.
Tyler: More like Sharks-peare, am I right? I know I watched this in music class in middle school but remember almost nothing from it aside from the gang names, some vigorous snapping, and … someone named Maria? Something tells me that I, then a middle school boy (at the peak of maturity), was not paying much attention to a musical being shown on one of those 24-inch monitors that got wheeled into your classroom. However, now that I’ve matured and refined my opinion on musicals (thank you La La Land and several recent Disney movies), I’m eager to see how I like it the second time around4. Let’s get to it!
Plots & Feelings
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Short Version (courtesy of IMDb): Two youngsters from rival New York City gangs fall in love, but tensions between their respective friends build toward tragedy.
Long Version (modified from Wikipedia and formatted to fit your screen):
We begin with long panning shots over The Greatest City in the World™, so long that you wonder why the opening credits aren’t rolling at the same time. And then, what’s that? A telltale whistle in the air? It’s none other than local gang of miscreants, the Jets, snapping away on a playground. They’d be the undisputed juvenile rulers of the 1950s Upper West Side if not for the Sharks, a rival gang composed of Puerto Rican tough guys (worth mentioning that the Jets are all white). Our introduction to their dynamic comes as a series of skirmishes and dance battles across the neighborhood, featuring choreography that looks unchanged from the show’s inception in 1957.
Tyler: It’s so odd to me that this takes place around the same place and time as Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I’m sure the Upper West Side was a large enough area to encompass both upper- and lower-/working-class neighborhoods, but that won’t stop me from imagining Midge making jokes about the lack of Jewish representation in the Jets.
Ellen: Perhaps season 4 of Maisel will be the crossover event of the mid-century!
This initial brawl (not to be confused with a rumble - check the companion Street Tough Glossary) is broken up by local terrible law enforcement Lieutenant Schrank and Officer Krupke. They show a slight racist preference for the Jets, and both gangs regard the officers with equal disdain. After singing their “Jet Song” and playing their reindeer games, head Jet Riff goes to find co-founder and retired Jet Tony to ask for his help dealing with the Sharks. Tony has had it with the gang life, preferring to work restocking endless Cokes at Doc’s Drugstore. He believes that “Something’s Coming,” and it ain’t a fist to his face. Riff convinces him to at least attend a local dance tonight, after which he plans to challenge the Sharks’ leader, Bernardo, to the rumble.
Ellen: Great time to mention that these songs are not easy. Singing “Something’s Coming” well takes work, and allow me now to tell the dude humming along in the theater with all of Tony’s parts that he does not have the juice! I’m fine.
Tyler: After you pointed this out during the intermission I couldn’t unhear it, so I can confirm that he indeed did not have the juice.
Time to humanize the other side too! Enter Maria, Bernardo's beautiful and charming younger sister, playfully arguing with her best friend (and Bernardo’s girlfriend) Anita about making the dress she’ll wear to the dance more mature. Maria ends up looking radiant in the white dress. At the dance, both sides are dancing enthusiastically, but not intermingling. That is, until Tony and Maria spot each other from across the floor and subsequently enter their own world. Bernardo rips them apart, and ever-the-opportunist Riff takes the chance to propose a war council at Doc’s later.
Ellen: Anita’s one-liners, big floofy skirts that deserve their own Oscar, and general presence are a treat, and she is probably the best part of this movie. Readers will be pleased to know that Rita Moreno won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for her portrayal of Anita (the first award in her EGOT run) and will also appear in and executive-produce the upcoming remake.
Tyler: She has some real stiff competition in the form of two googly-eyed teens and some pirouetting gangsters, but I don’t disagree. Also, the “love at first sight” scene was maybe the best example of the movie trying (and not necessarily succeeding, in my opinion) to translate lighting effects from the stage onto the screen. It, uh, did not age well.
Ellen: Part of me respects that they just went for it, but it looks very “of a time.” It also speaks to one of your main criticisms of the film (and one of mine if I take off the nostalgia goggles), which is that they didn’t do quite enough to movie-fy the show.
The Sharks & Co. head home, and Anita scolds Bernardo for being overprotective of Maria. This leads to the show-stopping “America,” as the ladies and gents compare the advantages of Puerto Rico and the United States. Meanwhile, Tony sneaks out to Maria's fire escape (some might call it a modern day balcony), where they reaffirm their love that started about 45 minutes ago. Double meanwhile, the Jets are loitering outside Doc’s ahead of their meeting, and Officer Krupke comes along and warns them not to cause trouble. The Jets of course then sing about it and, some despicable depictions of mental illness aside, make good points on how one can get caught in The System’s cycle. The Sharks arrive, and Tony manages to talk everyone down to a simple fistfight, eschewing bricks, chains, and the like.
Tyler: It’s at this point in the movie that I noticed that the dichotomy between the lyrically beautiful “Maria” and … “Tony” is so hilarious it’s almost distracting. One name gets rhapsodized in song while the other sounds like they’re calling for Tony Soprano (“Ay Tone-y!”).
The next day at the bridal shop where they work, Maria is absolutely floating, singing “I Feel Pretty” and unskillfully lying to her friends that her arranged fiance Chino is the cause of her giddiness. Anita accidentally tells Maria about the rumble, but their disagreement is interrupted by the arrival of Tony! Anita agrees to keep the secret, but she is not pleased, and her displeasure is nothing compared to how Bernardo would feel if he found out. The couple pays her nearly no mind, and spends the remainder of the evening playing with mannequins and fantasizing about their wedding. Oh, and Maria makes Tony promise to stop the rumble, not having as much faith in the concept of a fair fistfight as he has.
Tyler: A friendly reminder that these two crazy kids met YESTERDAY. I understand love at first sight but damn do those kids move fast. Similar to my complaint in our From Here To Eternity post, if you’re falling in love in a shorter time than they do on The Bachelor5, I can’t buy it.
Ellen: It also cracked me up that in the original Wikipedia synopsis, it just says “[Tony] and Maria fall in love” at the dance, with the link to the article on love at first sight. Even Wikipedia is like “yeah okay this nonsense requires further explanation.”
After grabbing a PowerBar and a bottle of water during intermission, the whole cast sings about what they’re going to do “Tonight.” Each gang loads up on illicit weapons, because while they’re totally teens of their honor, you just can’t trust those other guys! They meet under the highway, as agreed, but Riff and Bernardo almost immediately start knife fighting, not as agreed. Tony attempts to break it up, but is foiled by Bernardo stabbing Riff. A melee ensues, and Tony takes up the knife and kills Bernardo right back. Everyone books it as the cops arrive. Maria is blissfully unaware of all this until Chino bursts her bubble. Tony arrives in Maria’s room the only way he knows, via fire escape, and begs for her forgiveness. She’s furious and sad for all of two seconds before reconfirming her love for him.
Tyler: Maybe they’re not that close (it’s unclear how long she’s been in PR for while Bernardo was in NYC), but it felt weird that Maria like barely mourned the death of her brother before quickly refocusing her attention on Tony.
Ellen: See, it’s not tough guys pirouetting that takes me out of the movie emotionally - it’s this. I know Maria is supposed to be an irrational lovestruck teen, but c’mon! This makes me hate you, girl.
The Jets are on the verge of showing an emotion besides teen angst, so their new leader Ice drags them all into a parking garage to learn to be “Cool.” The stereotypically tomboyish gal who follows the Jets around warns them that Chino is gunning for Tony … literally. They disperse to try and find their friend first. A grieving Anita enters the apartment and sees immediately through Maria’s attempts to hide Tony. I’ll summarize this next musical interlude: Anita yells at Maria for being childish and selfish; Maria tells Anita she’s fake news. Lieutenant Schrank pops in to question Maria, so she dispatches Anita to Doc’s to tell Tony she’ll be late for their very important date (to run away together).
The Jets are already at the drugstore, and they harass Anita in a disgusting display of bigotry and toxic masculinity until Doc arrives back from raising funds for the elopement. Anita, being only human, decides “actually, absolutely not,” and tells them Chino killed Maria in a fit of rage. Upon hearing the now actual fake news from Doc, Tony bursts into the street, begging Chino to kill him too. He spots Maria and they run to each other just in time for Chino to shoot Tony. He dies in Maria’s arms, and she snatches the gun, threatening to kill them all as their hate killed three others tonight. She eventually relinquishes the firearm and follows the gangs’ makeshift funeral procession, while the police arrest Chino and lead him away.
Intermission
Even though ILTBTA is free, please indulge us further and enjoy this quick “advertisement.”
This installment of ILTBTA is brought to you by … The Dance!
You know, The Dance? The one down at the place? The possible school gym but maybe also YMCA if that exists yet? Hosted by a Dick Clark wannabe who just wants everyone to get along? Yeah, that one!
Mention ILTBTA with your next purchase of tickets for a dance that I’m pretty sure is free, and receive a mini commemorative flask as long as you PROMISE not to spike the punch. Have fun out there, kids!
Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat?
Love a good Wikipedia rabbit hole in search of some fun facts? Us too.
West Side Story’s Wikipedia page has some interesting facts and anecdotes that we recommend you read through, but here are a few of our favorites:
Marni Nixon, an American soprano and ghost singer6 in several movie musicals, provided the singing voice for Natalie Wood’s Maria, who was apparently unaware that her singing would get dubbed over. For her several uncredited singing roles, Nixon was called “The Ghostess with the Mostest” by Time Magazine.
Jerome Robbins (the director and choreographer of the stage show) and Robert Wise (a more experienced film director) co-directed the film, with the former first directing the musical sequences and the latter focusing on the dramatic scenes afterwards. Unfortunately, given the high number of rehearsals and retakes, Robbins went so far over schedule and budget that the producers fired him, with the remaining dance scenes directed by his assistants. Thankfully Wise was not an asshole and agreed to give Robbins co-directing credit, and even kept in touch with him throughout the filming and editing process.
Among those considered for the role of Tony were Elvis Presley, Burt Reynolds, Robert Redford, Russ Tamblyn7 (who played Riff), and Warren Beatty. When looking at a film reel of Beatty from Splendor in the Grass, producers noticed his co-star Natalie Wood and realized she’d be perfect for the role of Maria.
Tyler: This doesn’t necessarily apply to any of the Jets actors, but I can’t help but wonder what kind of hullabaloo would be caused today if they cast a white American of Russian descent as a Puerto Rican girl. For what it’s worth, the actress portraying Maria in the upcoming remake, Rachel Zegler, is Latina, but decidedly not Puerto Rican.
George Chakiris, who played Bernardo in the film, actually played Riff in the London stage production. After filming for the movie completed, he went back to the West End to play Riff on stage.
Ellen: Extra wild that he won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for playing the antagonist to the character he arguably was much more familiar with!
Rita Moreno (and we assume other actors based on the above gif) was forced to essentially wear brownface in the film, despite being one of the only actors portraying a Puerto Rican character who was actually Puerto Rican. She described it as such:
“I remember saying to my makeup man once on the original ‘West Side Story,’ ‘Why do I have to wear such dark makeup? I’m not that color,’ ” Moreno says. “And he literally said to me, ‘What, are you a racist?’ He really said that and I was so astonished that I shut up, because I didn’t know what to say to that. If I said, ‘No, I’m not a racist,’ I feel he would not believe me, so I let it drop. But it was shocking.”
In a fun ILTBTA-themed coincidence, Natalie Wood won a Golden Globe for her work in the 1979 miniseries remake of From Here To Eternity, which we discussed in our previous post.
Oscar NomNomNomz
Since we all know a movie is nothing without the food and drink it incorporates.
It’s now time to award the Oscar for Best Snacktor in a Supporting Role8, with heavy emphasis this time around on “supporting” because my goodness they do not eat or drink at all in this movie. And the nomnomnominees are:
A bottle of Coca Cola from Doc’s
A gingersnap cookie, in honor of all of the coordinated snapping throughout this movie
Puerto Rican empanadillas (shout out to the Film and Food blog for the inspiration and Hungry Traveling Mama for the recipe)
And the Oscar goes to … a gingersnap cookie! Unfortunately, the gingersnap’s performance was deemed “stodgy” by Paul Hollywood, and it was too gutted to appear tonight, so we will accept this award on its behalf.
Fill In The Blank
How did we really feel about The Academy nominating this?
Ellen: I’d like to shake my multi-petticoated skirts at the Academy in appreciation, but then turn away ~dRaMaTiCaLlY~. Here’s the thing: this is a (majority) well-acted, well-sung, well-crafted show with a timeless premise that yanks on my heartstrings in a way that I really enjoy. The problem is that I’m still referring to it as a show. I don’t think that they did enough to take advantage of the movie medium, which is the beef you’ll see me have with 2016’s Fences if we ever get there. There are points where it seemed like the alignment to the stage show was to the film’s detriment, most notably with lighting choices and clear applause breaks at the end of songs. I’m hoping that the new version will remedy this lack of vision and make our lovesick teens slightly more reasonable, because you can’t go wrong with the story or songs.
Tyler: I’d like to vigorously snap my fingers in derision at the Academy for nominating West Side Story, even more so for awarding it Best Picture. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the appeal (it’s basically every theatre9 kid’s wet dream), but it just isn’t for me. It is capital-T Theatrical in every way imaginable (big acting, big singing, big dancing), which sucks some people in, but the melodrama ultimately ended up distracting and disconnecting me from what I was watching. If I’m laughing at a character when they’re supposed to be intimidating, you’ve lost me. I had a somewhat similar experience when we watched Fiddler on the Roof (during peak “We’ve got nothing better to do during the pandemic”), so maybe I just don’t like film adaptations of musicals that feel like they’re film adaptations of musicals.
Let The Credits Roll
Thanks for reading! Some quick housekeeping as you exit the theatre:
If you have plots and feelings of your own (on the movie or ILTBTA in general), feel free to comment on the post or simply reply to the email. If you liked reading this: tell your friends! If you hated reading this: tell your friends how much you hated it by forwarding it to them!
If you’re a weirdo like Tyler and use Twitter, feel free to follow us there @BlankTheAcademy for ILTBTA updates, rejected jokes, and other random movie-related musings. Once we reach a million followers, we’ll offer to purchase the @ILTBTA handle from the butthead who snagged it before us.
If you’d like to start a wild Best Picture journey of your own, feel free to download a copy of The Spreadsheet. Bonus: checking off the boxes is oddly satisfying.
Get your COVID vaccine (and booster!). Wear a mask. Don’t be an idiot.
Post-Credits Scene
Get a sneak peek at the next ILTBTA installment.
To put our readers (and let’s be real, ourselves) in the holiday spirit, our next Spreadsheet movie will be the 1945 Christmas classic Miracle on 34th Street, starring Maureen O’Hara, John Payne, and (again, coincidentally) a young Natalie Wood. It’s available to watch for free with an HBO Max or Hulu subscription, or you can rent it from all the other usual suspects.
Until then, honestly just keep your eyes peeled for Natalie Wood. She’s everywhere!
Someday someone will say that about us and ILTBTA.
Not to be confused with the living room, which has the piano and the nicer furniture. I’m not even sure if I’ve heard of anyone else calling it a family room, now that I think about it?? (Tyler: We did too!) Mom, Dad, where did that come from??
Tyler: (insert MLM joke here)
Sounds like my ex-wife!
Tony gave us major “Brandon from this season of The Bachelorette” vibes with how quickly he was all in with Maria.
Well if this isn’t the coolest job title ever.
Bonus fact: father of actress Amber Tamblyn of Joan of Arcadia fame
Results tabulated and certified by the accountants at Ernst & Yum™.
Ellen: I have a conspiracy theory that Tyler was in fact a theater kid, based purely on the way he spells it, putting respect on that “-tre.” RT if you agree.
Tyler: Or I just misspelled it years ago and am too stubborn to admit it.