Guten Abend! Los geht’s zum Lancaster County!
…
Oh, English?
*ahem*
Good evening! Let’s go to Lancaster County and visit the Lapp family, part of the thriving Amish community here. On your left, you’ll see some local Amish men building a barn while the women folk prepare food. On your right, take in the relaxing Pennsylvania countryside vista, with miles and miles of farmland with nary a bolt of electricity in sight. Before you leave, make sure to grab some locally-sourced ice cream, with milk from cows across the street! I hear they have a new guy milking cows today …
Previews
What, if anything, did we know about this coming attraction before we watched it?
Ellen: I thought I had seen this until we started talking about the plot, and then I realized the non-franchise Harrison Ford joint I was thinking of was actually The Fugitive.
Tyler: I have never witnessed this movie. Having grown up not far from Pennsylvania Amish Country, however, I have witnessed getting stuck behind many a horse-and-buggy on my way to/from a soccer game. I have also witnessed several seasons of Breaking Amish because weird reality TV is a weakness of mine.
Plots & Feelings
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Short Version (courtesy of IMDb): While protecting an Amish boy - who is the sole witness to a brutal murder - and his mother, a detective is forced to seek refuge within their community when his own life is threatened.
Long Version (modified from Wikipedia and formatted to fit your screen):
At the funeral for Jacob Lapp, between all the German being spoken and horses and buggies, you wouldn’t necessarily know you were in Pennsylvania in 19841. Welcome to a Lancaster County Amish community! Our dearly departed Jacob is survived by his wife Rachel and quiet eight-year-old son Samuel. The pair continue to live with Rachel’s father, Eli, who helps get them to the local train station in his buggy and advises them to watch themselves around “the English.” They board a train for Philadelphia, planning to move onward to Rachel’s sister in Baltimore.
Tyler: Do they ever explain exactly why she’s going to her sister’s place? If she lives in Baltimore she’s almost definitely English (i.e., no longer Amish), so Rachel going to her (as opposed to vice versa) seems strange.
Tyler: There is also some weird sexual tension between newly widowed Rachel and that blonde guy who kinda looks like Ted Danson. I know people process their grief in different ways, but is the body even cold yet?
Ellen: I got the vibe he had like always been crushing on Rachel, and he sees this as his opportunity, but he’s not such a sleazeball as to say anything outright (particularly not at the funeral).
Once at 30th Street Station, they discover their connecting train is delayed 3 hours. In a move of very confident or very questionable parenting, Rachel allows her deeply sheltered child to wander the station. While peeking out from a crack in his bathroom stall, Samuel sees two men slit a dude’s throat!! He manages to hide until the cops arrive. Among them are Detective Sergeant John Book (Harrison Ford) and his partner Sergeant Elton Carter.
Ellen: Dawg, I’m barely allowed to wander 30th Street!
Tyler: Fact check: zero Pinocchios.
The lawmen question Samuel, not unkindly, but Rachel is not here for it. She maintains they have nothing to do with their laws, and they’re like “lol, we hear that a lot.” They bizarrely drive around town just hoping to run into a guy2 who fits Samuel’s description, and surprise, surprise: that does not work. John insists that Rachel and Samuel stay with his sister, because he (rightly) believes if left at a hotel that they will be on the first train out of town. The next day, after a line-up and mugshot albums yield no fruit, Samuel makes a positive ID from an unexpected source: the police department trophy cabinet!
Tyler: I get that Book’s sister is there for plot purposes and to shine some light on Book’s background, but what prevents Rachel and Samuel from just leaving for the train station from her house in the morning? How’s that different from a hotel?
Ellen: Nothing says “it was a different time” quite like the CLACK CLACK CLANKY CLACK of twenty typewriters going at once in the office.
Now knowing that the murderer is a police officer, John goes to Police Chief Schaeffer for guidance. The cop in question is James McFee, who made his career on a huge drug bust where $22 million3 worth of valuable chemicals were confiscated. But what do you know: they were stolen from police storage, and there’s no record of them ever existing. Schaffer advises John to get the witness out of town. While in a parking garage, McFee attacks! The two get into a shootout, and John is hit, but the other officer gets away. John gets Rachel and Samuel out of his sister’s house and drives them home, all while very much having been shot. He calls Carter to warn him Schaffer must be in on it and to not file any of the paperwork lest other bad actors discover what they know. John insists to the Lapps that he can’t stay, but that sentiment is undermined by him passing out from blood loss behind the wheel and ruining their birdhouse.
Tyler: I really don’t mean to lead each bullet with a question about the plot, but why would Schaeffer tell Book to take them out of town if he intends to have him killed anyway? Wouldn’t it be easier to be like “Just hang tight” or convince him to hang out with her at a hotel?
Ellen: I think for this one, Schaeffer’s plan was just to tip off McFee that Book would be in the parking garage and assume he’d be taken care of. I’m not saying it was a good plan, but it is the plan of a police chief who’s gotten away with some big stuff before.
Because John refuses to go to a hospital (due to the requisite police report his gunshot wound would bring), he’s sentenced to a slow recovery with the Lapps. Rachel sits by his bedside all night, but unfortunately for John, he’s surrounded by a bunch of old white dudes4 when he wakes up. The elders determine he’ll be allowed to stay while he heals. John’s clothes are gross and blood-soaked, so he wears Jacob’s old clothing. John’s fish-out-of-water status allows for a lot of light educational flirting between him and Rachel, though his gun remains a point of contention. When he asks Rachel to hide it out of reach of Samuel, she holds it like it’s a dead rat. Eli lectures Samuel on the Amish philosophy that to take a life is only for God, though Samuel has one guy in mind he knows is bad, so… ?
Speaking of those bad guys, they unfortunately discover that both a) Lapp is a very common Amish name, and b) their 20th century policing techniques aren’t a ton of help for a community that decidedly does not live in the 20th century. Schaeffer questions Carter about the whole situation, but John’s partner keeps his mouth shut. Meanwhile, in between bouts of working on his car, John is shown around by Samuel, learns to milk a cow, and puts his woodworking skills to use to repair the birdhouse he broke. While working with several of his shirt’s
buttonshooks and eyes mysteriously undone, Rachel brings him a glass of lemonade, and she’s impressed he has a worthwhile skill besides looking hot! Later, when John gets his car radio working, they dance in the barn, prompting a lecture from Eli about how there’s been talk of shunning her if things go any further. She’s firm in her belief that there’s been no sin.Ellen: It was nice of Eli to describe shunning to his daughter as though she’d never heard of it for the benefit of, I don’t know, some unseen audience, perhaps!
Yeeeeee-haw5, it’s time for a barn raising! John is allowed to participate, and even the Amish who are skeptical of him can’t help but be impressed! After serving lunch, the ladies switch from pouring tea to spilling it, and they gab all about the handsome outsider. That night, John “accidentally” stumbles upon Rachel bathing (which is to say she left the door open and made no attempt to hide herself). They stand there and look at each other, but John eventually turns away. The next morning, he explains that oh baby, he wanted to, but if they got together, realistically he would have to stay, or she would have to leave. Rachel is like “okay bud, go into town with everyone else.”
Tyler: Honestly, props to John for resisting the urge and recognizing the complexity of the situation he was in. A lesser movie would’ve ended that scene much differently.
Once in town, John gets to a payphone and finds out that his partner has been killed! He rashly calls Schaeffer at his home and threatens to do the same to him. As the Amish group is headed back home, some local yahoos harass them. Everyone else keeps their non-violent cool, but John loses it and basically punches everybody. The busybody local sheriff calls it in, and word eventually gets back to Schaeffer.
Back home, we find out that John made a toy for Samuel! And what’s that, the birdhouse is fixed? Uh oh, Rachel realizes this means John is leaving. She removes her bonnet and runs out to him, and they SMOOCH!! The romance is short-lived, however, because here come the cops: Schaeffer, McFee, and some bozo named Ferguson. The men kick down the door, scaring the heck out of Eli and Rachel, but Samuel and John are in the barn. John instructs the kid to run to the next farm as fast as he can. The cat and mouse game begins, and Ferguson’s portion ends with being buried alive in the corn silo! John manages to un
earthcorn the dead man’s gun and shoot McFee. Meanwhile, Schaeffer has Rachel and Eli at gunpoint, but Samuel comes back! He rings their bell and summons their community. With so many witnesses present (and John yelling at him), Schaeffer surrenders.Tyler: So Book deescalated by just saying “Enough!”?? That's it? Did this movie just end with a stern talking-to?
Ellen: Just a dash of nonviolence for flavor.
A metric ton of cops and detectives show up, and Schaeffer is taken away. John and Rachel can barely look at each other as exactly the 80s music you’d expect plays in the background. Eli tells John to be careful out there “among them English,” and John drives away.
Ellen: I thought this was a very sweet and subtle form of acceptance from Eli!
Intermission
Even though ILTBTA is free, please indulge us further and enjoy this quick “advertisement.”
This installment of ILTBTA is brought to you by … nothing.
In an act of piety, we are foregoing sponsorship this week. Keep it simple out there!
Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat?
Love a good Wikipedia rabbit hole in search of some fun facts? Us too.
Witness’ Wikipedia page has some interesting facts and anecdotes that we recommend you read through, but here are a few of our favorites:
The original script for early iterations of Witness centered around an Amish woman who witnesses a murder in Los Angeles. Producer Edward S. Feldman, whose producing credits also include the live-action 101 Dalmatians and its sequel, delivered an updated version of the script to a Fox studio executive, who rejected it because they did not make “rural movies.”
Ellen: Sticks Nix Hick Pix, one might say.
Peter Weir, an Australian film director, was Feldman’s first choice to direct. After Witness, Weir went on to direct well-received movies like Dead Poets Society, The Truman Show, and Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World.
Weir cast Viggo Mortensen in his first film acting role because he thought Mortensen had the right face for an Amish man. Mortensen had to turn down a role in a Shakespeare in the Park production of Henry V to work on Witness, a decision that Mortensen credits for the start of his now-illustrious film career.
The cast actually did build and raise a barn in a day (as shown in the movie), albeit with the help of some cranes obviously not shown on-screen. They were aided on-screen by Mennonite extras, who agreed to appear on film after local Amish community members declined despite assisting as carpenters and electricians.
To help get into character, Kelly McGillis (in just her second film) moved in with an Amish widow and her seven children, learning how to perfect the Pennsylvania German dialect and milk cows. Her next major role was Charlie in Top Gun the following year.
Tyler: If you, dear reader, are anything like me, the Top Gun factoid will elicit an “Ooooh that’s where I’ve seen her before!” Also, since I have nowhere else to put this thought, she looks just like Lauren Cohan from The Walking Dead, amongst other things.
Lukas Haas, who portrayed young Samuel at just eight years old, went on to have a pretty successful acting career, with roles in ILTBTA-approved films like Inception, First Man, and Babylon. He has also appeared in the music videos for absolute bangers like “Roses” by OutKast and “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance.
Witness was initially titled Called Home, the Amish term for death, but the studio’s marketing department thought it would be too difficult to promote.
For the scene in the corn silo, a scuba diving regulator with a compressed air tank was hidden in the floor, which allowed the actor to breathe while the corn fell onto him.
Ellen: That’s a terrifying stunt - shout out to that guy for going through with it. Speaking of terrifying stunts …
Honorable Mentions
What other movies should you be watching?
In honor of the upcoming Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga, our next Honorable Mention is the brilliantly cuckoo action film Mad Max: Fury Road. The fourth in the Mad Max Cinematic Universe, MM:FR stars Tom Hardy as the titular Max as he battles through a post-apocalyptic hellscape with Imperator Furiosa (a badass Charlize Theron). The film received ten Oscar nominations (winning six) and is now considered one of the best action films of all time.
MM:FR is described in The Spreadsheet as “wild in the best/weirdest way” and “buck wild,” so if you plan to enjoy it for yourself, strap in. It is available to stream for free with a Max (great brand tie-in, HBO) or Hulu subscription, and can be rented for a fee elsewhere.
Oscar NomNomNomz
Since we all know a movie is nothing without the food and drink it incorporates.
It’s now time to award the Oscar for Best Snacktor in a Supporting Role6. And the nomnomnominees are:
A hot dog at a Philly diner
Canned fruits and vegetables at Rachel’s house
A tall glass of lemonade
Fresh milk direct from the udder
Vanilla ice cream smeared across your face
And the Oscar goes to … the tall glass of lemonade! Unfortunately, we drank it in one gulp like John Book, so we will accept this award on its behalf.
Fill In The Blank
How did we really feel about The Academy nominating this?
Ellen: I’d like to tell The Academy to watch itself out there with the English (while knowing they simply cannot resist a British drama). I did much less research than Tyler, so I did not have the issue he did below. I thought it was fun to have the flip-flopping fish-out-of-water storylines, and it generally did a great job striking the right tone. I think what I really appreciate about it is that it avoided so many potential potholes; a worse movie would have gawked at the Amish and made them completely unrelatable, the romance would have been rushed to a more dramatic conclusion that made no sense, and John Book would have been completely insufferable in his ignorance to the point where you can’t fathom the community accepting him in any regard. Is successfully navigating those obstacles worthy of a Best Picture nomination? Considering how many movies fall face-first instead, it just might be!
Tyler: I’d like to steer my horse and buggy in front of The Academy, so they can stop and appreciate the landscape but also be annoyed at how slow they’re now moving. I feel misled about this movie by Wikipedia7, which calls Witness a “neo-noir crime thriller,” a characterization that I believe can best be described as “inaccurate.” Don’t get me wrong: Witness is a good, well-acted fish-out-of-water story that seems to respectfully depict a community that isn’t well-represented in movies (presumably at their request). However, I would in no way call it a thriller, since the entire second act and much of the other two move at the pace of a horse and buggy. I also found the plot puzzling and/or predictable at several points, in case that wasn’t obvious throughout Plots & Feelings. Overall, I respect that in many ways it’s a “different” kind of movie, but I didn’t think it elevated itself to “great” to make it worthy of a Best Picture nomination.
Let The Credits Roll
Thanks for reading! Some quick housekeeping as you exit the theatre:
If you have plots and feelings of your own (on the movie or ILTBTA in general), feel free to comment on the post or simply reply to the email. If you liked reading this: tell your friends! If you hated reading this: tell your friends how much you hated it by forwarding it to them!
If you’re a weirdo like Tyler and use the social media site formerly known as Twitter, feel free to follow us there @BlankTheAcademy for ILTBTA updates, rejected jokes, and other random movie-related musings. Once we reach a million followers, we’ll offer to purchase the @ILTBTA handle from the butthead who snagged it before us.
ILTBTA is also on Letterboxd, the social networking site for movie fans. Follow us there to read our Spreadsheet comments of our ILTBTA movies, plus our ratings of other movies we watch!
If you’d like to start a wild Best Picture journey of your own, feel free to download a copy of The Spreadsheet. Bonus: checking off the boxes is oddly satisfying.
Post-Credits Scene
Get a sneak peek at the next ILTBTA installment.
In honor of the birthday of ILTBTA’s resident reluctant canine mascot, next time we’ll be covering 1975’s Dog Day Afternoon! Starring Al Pacino and John Cazale, this film tells the story of a bank robbery that’s supposed to be a simple score becoming a complicated nightmare. You can rent it for a small fee from all of the usual suspects.
Until then, careful among the English!
Tyler: The time and place is shown on-screen via location title. At first I thought it was largely unnecessary (I mean, it’s set one year before it was released), but I quickly realized that people unfamiliar with the way the Amish live could reasonably assume this was occurring at any point in the last couple hundred years.
Sounds like my ex-wife!
That’s around $40 million in today’s crooked cops!
The patriarchy, amirite?
Tyler: Ellen, this ain’t Texas (woo!)
Results tabulated and certified by the accountants at Ernst & Yum™.
Tyler: For those wondering about why I was perusing the Wikipedia page before watching the movie, I typically do some light Wikipedia research after receiving my Pick Three, Choose One options for the next post. I generally look for movies with a good-sized plot synopsis, fun fact potential for WWW, and a reasonable runtime. Praise be to Wikipedia!
In case you are wondering, there is a podcast from Paramount Pictures that just came out on Audible based on Witness! Yours truly might have had a hand in it during my time there…