Ahoy sailors, these are your Captains speaking, back at it with another ILTBTA installment! Based on the play that came from the novel from the twisted mind of Thomas Heggan comes: Mister Roberts. Starring a smorgasbord of movie stars of different eras, Mister Roberts is a comedic drama set during the tail end of World War II. So start swabbing the poop deck and read on!
Previews
What, if anything, did we know about this coming attraction before we watched it?
Ellen: I don’t know anything about this, but based on the poster, I’m going to say it’s a South Pacific-style wartime musical romp. Come to think of it, South Pacific isn’t exactly a romp, but the men on this poster are smiling, so that’s enough for me.
Tyler: Ah yet another movie where I know ab-so-lutely nothing about it coming into watching it, which was a large part of the reason I chose it for this post’s Pick Three Choose One (over 12 Angry Men and Picnic). Similar to Top Hat and Jezebel, though, I’m eager to get some exposure to the stars in this ensemble cast, since they’re all names I’ve heard of but don’t know much about. Alright enough yakking, all aboard U.S.S. Plots & Feelings!
Plots & Feelings
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Short Version (courtesy of IMDb): In the waning days of World War II, the cargo officer of a Navy supply ship chafes at its role far from the action in the Pacific's backwater areas, his frustration rising when its captain denies the crew liberty over petty irritations.
Long Version (modified from Wikipedia and formatted to fit your screen):
A tall, stoic naval officer looks out through his
Cinemascopesbinoculars over the Pacific Ocean, watching a group of U.S. ships sail off into the waning days of WWII. This is Lieutenant Douglas A. Roberts, the chief cargo officer for the Reluctant1, or the Bucket as it’s not-so-fondly known2. Despite Roberts’ desire to transfer to where the action is, the spiteful and unpopular captain, Lieutenant Commander Morton, continually sends his requests along without endorsing them, nigh ensuring they’ll be rejected. Lest we think Captain Morton is only a jerk to our Mr. Roberts: don’t you worry! He also hasn’t let anyone off the ship except for duty for an entire year. As soon as the men learn it’s a cargo day, the sick bay is full of barely buttoned young sailors claiming to suffer from any ailment that will give them some rest and a break from the monotony. Only one man onboard seems well-rested: Mr. Roberts’ bunkmate, Ensign Frank Pulver, the laundry and morale officer, a position that exists. He spends all his time hiding from the Captain and lounging.Ellen: Between Mr. Roberts/Mr. Rogers and Captain Morton/Captain Morgan, how am I ever supposed to get anyone’s name right??
Tyler: They’re like the store-brand, generic versions of more recognizable names that the studio couldn’t get the rights to. I also found it interesting that they thank the Navy right at the beginning of the movie. I understand it's a post-war movie, but it immediately takes you out of it and reminds you that you're watching a movie.
The Captain comes out in a silly striped robe to water his palm tree (an award for the ship’s excellent work in delivering toothpaste and toilet paper, in which he had almost no part). The sailors are dispatched to scrub the deck and clean binocular lenses3 when what ho! They spot that a new hospital has been built on the island, and nurses are showering. They’re disgusting peeping Toms about the whole thing, devolving into bickering quickly. Roberts eventually puts a stop to it and heads to the island, with Pulver going along for, uh, aspirin! Cut to: Pulver chatting with the pretty and highly competent head nurse and inviting her to the ship for some Red Label scotch. He’s sorely disappointed to discover that Roberts used this scotch (which belongs to Roberts, by the way) to bribe the port director into sending them to a place where the crew can have liberty. For murky Bro Code reasons, however, the Doc and Roberts help make some knockoff scotch to fool this grown woman and help Pulver score?? Along the way, the men discuss how Pulver is a lazy, empty-threat-toward-the-Captain-making loser, and Roberts quit med school and wants to die because he has a hero complex. Cool and healthy all around!
Ellen: Even the “good” men are gross. That’s all.
Tyler: I think Doc is the closest thing to a likable character in this movie, and even still he’s just … fine. It’s like talking to the least douchey frat bro.
Alright, back to work, landlubbers! The crew hauls cargo, and Roberts gives them permission to go shirtless because of the heat, despite the Captain’s orders. He also gives away crates of oranges that the Morton wanted for his private meals to a ship that hadn’t had fresh fruit in two months. Morton storms onto the deck to berate Roberts for his latest transfer request that cites disharmony aboard the ship, and he blows a gasket over the man’s latest actions as well. Meanwhile, who should show up but ALL of the nurses! They’ve come for the tour and some Vitamin Sea, expecting that these men are legit in any way. Soon, they realize that they can see straight into the hospital showers from onboard, and leave immediately to hang curtains. Roberts softens the blow of men losing their creepy pastime with the news that they’re headed to Elysium Harbor, baby! As thrilled as they are with that, they’re also heartened by Roberts’ efforts to make their lives better and look forward to further angering the Captain with an even better letter next week.
After a friendly and jovial welcome from the locals, the boys below deck prepare for their long-awaited liberty. A voice comes on the PA, however, and squawks that there will be no liberty at this point. The Captain times how long it takes for Roberts to come up to yell at him (28 seconds). Morton then reveals his master plan: he is an ambitious guy, and in return for giving the sailors a break, he wants Roberts to stop sending transfer requests, start following all of his rules, and never explain why he’s had a change of heart. Roberts eventually agrees, and the men are let loose on Elysium. Hours later, they reluctantly return to the Reluctant, absolutely drunk as skunks. They released their pent up frustration by being absolute menaces to society, stealing goats, ripping women’s clothes off, fighting the Army, you know: just boy stuff!4 Throwing miscellanea5 through the window of the French governor’s house is over the line, however, and they’re rightly kicked out of port. Morton is livid and threatens to make them work 24 hours a day to erase this black mark on his record, using his blackmail of Roberts to make it look like he’s (figuratively) onboard.
Tyler: Is Captain Morton doing a JFK impression when he’s on the loudspeaker? What is going on with that accent?
Roberts’ new deference to Morton is equal parts baffling and infuriating to the crew who once saw him as the only officer who ever cared. His refusal to send a new letter to the Cap, even after hearing that the Navy is actively looking for new officers in the warzone, solidifies the men’s theory that Roberts is gunning for a promotion. Pulver and Doc are as perplexed as anyone about their friend’s change for the worse. The three of them hear the news about VE Day on the radio, and Roberts has mixed feelings about the war seeming to end before he can get to it. Pulver accidentally blows up the laundry room in celebration, because hijinks, and even that joy is short lived. There’s only one thing for Roberts to do: toss the prize palm overboard! Morton realizes Roberts is the most likely culprit and interrogates him in his cabin, not realizing the PA is on and inadvertently reveals the whole loyalty-for-liberty scheme. As he walks out, the crew warmly bid Roberts good night for the first time in weeks.
Weeks after the palm incident, Roberts is in his cabin with Doc, contemplating his impending transfer to the Livingston, a destroyer in the thick of the fighting! Doc reveals that the crew wrote a new letter for him and signed the Captain’s name in a full-on drunken forgery contest. Pulver has been made the new cargo officer, and the crew busts in to present Roberts with their homemade Order of the Palm, a medal for “action against the enemy.” Roberts is touched, and they all toast their jungle juice. Even more weeks later, it’s mail call! Contained in the batch is a letter from Roberts, detailing how the Livingston is dangerous and action-packed, and he thinks of the crew onboard the Bucket often. Unfortunately, another letter reveals that Roberts is dead. It’s a blow, and Pulver deals with it the only way he’s learned how: by tossing the replaced palm tree overboard and barging into the Captain’s quarters, demanding to know why movie night was canceled.
Tyler: In Pulver’s defense, canceling movie night is an absolutely savage move.
Intermission
Even though ILTBTA is free, please indulge us further and enjoy this quick “advertisement.”
This installment of ILTBTA is brought to you by … the Reluctant’s commissary!
Now hear this, now hear this … the commissary is open for business! We provide a wide range of equipment and supplies, from the same toothpaste you hate the taste of to months-old magazines with all the pictures of women ripped out (you did this to yourselves, gentlemen). And with prices this reasonable, you’ll think you’ve gone crazy! Use promo code ILTBTA and 1¢ of your next purchase will go towards a fund for purchasing better movies to watch onboard.
Open now from 1300 to 1315, so act fast!
Wiki-Wiki-Whaaat?
Love a good Wikipedia rabbit hole in search of some fun facts? Us too.
Mister Roberts’ Wikipedia page has some interesting facts and anecdotes that we recommend you read through, but here are a few of our favorites:
Mister Roberts is based on the 1946 novel of the same name by Thomas Heggan, based on his experiences about different cargo ships during World War II. The ensuing successful book sales led to an equally successful stage adaptation, which won Heggan and his partner Joshua Logan the first ever Tony Award for Best Play, amongst others.
Following his Mister Roberts accomplishments, Heggen experienced crippling writer’s block and insomnia under the pressure to churn out another bestseller. At the age of just 30 years old, Heggen accidentally drowned in his bathtub after overdosing on sleeping pills.
Ellen: Yikes! I thought these facts were supposed to be fun!
Tyler: Amongst other things, sometimes fun stands for Fairly Upsetting and Not happy.
Despite starring in the title role of the Broadway show, Henry Fonda was not the studio’s first choice to play Doug Roberts, who could’ve been played by William Holden or Marlon Brando if Warner Bros. got its way. Fonda was cast at the insistence of director John Ford.
Fonda may have regretted agreeing to work with Ford, as the two had “difficulties” on set, including Ford allegedly punching Fonda in the face during an argument. Ford also had issues with James Cagney, who played Captain Morton. Cagney once said that Ford told him that they would “tangle asses” on set when Ford met him at the airport. In case you thought this was strictly a sexual statement, Cagney also later said: “He was so goddamned mean to everybody. He was truly a nasty old man.”
The movie was filmed on the USS Hewell (AG-145), an Army cargo ship operated by a Coast Guard crew until it was sold to the Navy in 1948.6 The onboard shots were filmed off Midway Island and Hawaii’s Kaneohe Bay.
A sequel titled Ensign Pulver was released in 1964, with many of the same characters returning but played by different actors. Despite apparently having a scene in which emergency appendix surgery is performed on a lifeboat, the film shockingly was not nominated for any major awards.
Oscar NomNomNomz
Since we all know a movie is nothing without the food and drink it incorporates.
It’s now time to award the Oscar for Best Snacktor in a Supporting Role7. And the nomnomnominees are:
The bootleg Red Label concocted by Doc
Fresh oranges that were meant for Captain Morton
Four gallons of grain alcohol from the signature forging contest
Jungle juice from Mister Roberts' going away party
And the Oscar goes to … fresh oranges! Unfortunately, the other nominees have drunk themselves and are now belligerently disputing the results by throwing the oranges at the presenters on stage, so we will accept this award on its behalf.
Fill In The Blank
How did we really feel about The Academy nominating this?
Ellen: I’d like to take away the Academy’s movie privileges for the evening. Putting the rampant misogyny aside, I suppose, one of my main beefs with this movie is that it very much reads like a play that they happened to film. There are three sets: ship docked, on deck, ship interior. There’s a whole extended bit about how wild the crew was on liberty, and we only see the aftermath. It just doesn’t utilize the fact that it’s a movie very well. Some of that might be explained by the era in which it was made, but I have very little patience for a copy-paste from stage to screen. That being said, a lot of the emotional beats with Roberts, Doc, and the crew worked on me, especially at the end. Should have been a musical.
Tyler: I’d like to chastise the Academy for falling for such an Oscar-baity8 film. Just because a movie is based on a successful play, set during World War II, and has a bunch of movie stars does not mean it’s by definition worthy of being nominated for Best Picture. Unless it was some sort of purposeful, meta commentary on the doldrums of life aboard the Bucket, Mister Roberts just seemed to drag on, needlessly weighed down by a pointless subplot with Pulver chasing tail, which isn’t even deemed worth mentioning in an otherwise thorough Wikipedia plot synopsis.
Likewise, I can't tell if most of the crew are a little stir crazy after being cooped up for so long, or if they're just annoying. I’m sure the prolonged too-sick-to-work and ogling-via-binoculars bits played well in the 50s, but they both stood out as wasted opportunities to actually give the rest of the crew some personality. Maybe the point is that their extended time on board turned them this way, and if so points for accuracy I guess, but it doesn’t exactly make for an entertaining movie. I also completely agree with your take that it wasn’t cinematic enough, a complaint of mine that longtime ILTBTA readers will know has come up before.
Let The Credits Roll
Thanks for reading! Some quick housekeeping as you exit the theatre:
If you have plots and feelings of your own (on the movie or ILTBTA in general), feel free to comment on the post or simply reply to the email. If you liked reading this: tell your friends! If you hated reading this: tell your friends how much you hated it by forwarding it to them!
If you’re a weirdo like Tyler and use Twitter, feel free to follow us there @BlankTheAcademy for ILTBTA updates, rejected jokes, and other random movie-related musings. Once we reach a million followers, we’ll offer to purchase the @ILTBTA handle from the butthead who snagged it before us.
If you’d like to start a wild Best Picture journey of your own, feel free to download a copy of The Spreadsheet. Bonus: checking off the boxes is oddly satisfying.
Post-Credits Scene
Get a sneak peek at the next ILTBTA installment.
In honor of the least annoying character in Mister Rogers, played by William Holden, our next ILTBTA post will be the 1934 comedy-mystery The Thin Man starring Holden and Myrna Loy. The two star alongside a canine actor named Skippy as a boozy and flirtatious couple who investigate a murder, according to IMDb, “mostly for the fun of it.” The Thin Man is available to rent from Amazon Prime Video for $2.99 or basically everywhere else for $3.99.
Until then, lei low and avoid laundry duty!
This is a terrible name.
Sounds like my ex-wife!
Ellen: This is where I thought I felt a dance-while-you-work number coming on, ala Chim Chim Cher-ee, but no such luck.
If you ever find yourself saying “Boys will be boys” come up with a better excuse.
Tyler: Kudos for such a fun word, Ellen.
Just one military branch short of a free sandwich!
Results tabulated and certified by the accountants at Ernst & Yum™.
Unlike Deliverance, which was an Oscar Beatty film.